Helen Keller once spoke of the need to “look the world in the face.” And God wants us to worship Him with truth and rejoice “with truth in the inward being…in the secret heart” (John 4:24, Psalm 51:6).
I realized that was what I needed for my anger issues. The courage to see things as they are, rather than as I wish they were. Nor do we see our children, relatives, spouses, friends, or ourselves as the people we want them to be.
The way I handled my anger, including my expectations of others, was completely sinful and interfered with my relationship with God. My horizontal relationship breakdown had vertical implications. “Therefore, if you are offering a gift at the altar, and there remember that your brother is doing something against you, leave your gift before the altar. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23-24). God longed for me to be reconciled to these little image-bearers as part of my worship.
Need some tips to cool down? Consider starting here.
1. Change the scenery.
Play some music and dance to get out of fight/flight/freeze. Get a glass of water. Go for a walk (you may have to grab the stroller!). Go into a dark room to calm your sense of overstimulation. Change location. You can also move to another room or stand if you were sitting.
2. Be prepared.
In my book, Permanent Markers: Spiritual Life Skills to Write on Your Children’s Hearts, I mentioned that a list of transgressions can be posted (even in a cupboard) alongside pre-planned consequences. I love the emotional distance this approach creates from reactive parenting.
But in some cases, it’s important to consider whether your child has had a really tough day, is being bullied at school, or whether we’re letting them sleep too late the night before. 1 Thessalonians 5:14 emphasizes the need for a different response to weakness: “Reprove the lazy, encourage the faint-hearted, help the weak, and be patient with them all.”
Yes, just like all of us, children need to behave appropriately when they are stressed. And at such times it is essential to train children. But when we’re parents, we can always see the whole child, the whole situation.
3. Identify the underlying emotion.
This is one of the first questions I ask parents (and my own children and myself) to deal with anger: What emotion is underlying it?
Isolating your primary emotion is the key to learning how to deal with your triggers and desires and cut off the source of your anger. Dr. Carla Naumburg helpfully defines anger triggers as “anything that excites the nervous system and makes the button bigger, brighter, more sensitive, and easier for children to press. . . . Most people… need to learn exactly how to make the button as small, dimmer, and difficult to press as possible.”
Anger is known to be a secondary emotion. When you visualize an iceberg, you can see the anger in your eyes. But below the waterline, there may be key emotions, such as: For example, research has found that women have difficulty distinguishing between anger and hurt.
Think about which of these most often causes your anger.
Rejection Disappointment Injustice Hurt Embarrassment Sadness Helplessness Jealousy Guilt Shame Depression Isolation Fear
Most notably, my extreme fatigue makes all of these emotions much more likely, causing my four-foot anger fuse to shrink to four inches or even centimeters on some days. The jaded version of yourself may not simply be the holiest version, but the most excited and angry.
This snowballs into a situation where parents need to look at themselves with humility and sobriety about what commitments and activities they can actually commit to (Romans 12:3), be mindful of their own souls, and ask for the help they need (with kindness) rather than trying to be superhuman. Repeat after me: I say no to the right things in order to say yes to the important things.
Overcommitment, overachievement, and overfunctioning affect what version of Jesus our children see in us.
These are words my mother often says. “God promises green pastures and still waters. It’s not your job to mow the grass or swim laps.”
4. Identify your motives.
I learned that when I’m stewing, I need to ask some important questions. The first question is: What part of my anger is about God’s Kingdom and what part is about myself?
Paul David Tripp wisely points out that God does not want us to ignore the sins of our children. We may need to pass the time or simply wait for the right time (Proverbs 19:11; Ephesians 4:29). However, in our minds, it is often far more important that our personal laws are broken than God’s laws.
Consider James 3:17. “But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, accepting of reason, full of mercy and good fruits, just and sincere.” I don’t know about you, but this doesn’t necessarily describe me when my child is slipping.
But Tripp points out that righteous anger, rather than random emotion, can exercise self-control. instruction. Hope. Grace. So my goal is to be disciplined, rarely if ever, from the angry fight/flight/freeze version of me that might glorify the wrong kingdom. Instead of being passive, let’s guide our children proactively and thoughtfully.
5. Let’s get straight to the point.
Examine the story you’re telling yourself in your anger and consider which parts of that story have alternative explanations.
Maybe you believe your child behaves a certain way because he or she is manipulative. Or you may believe that your husband is selfish or inconsiderate, which is why he reacts a certain way. Maybe your child seems too picky.
God gives us discernment and intuition to help us deal with the sins of others, including manipulation and deception that empower evil.
But I’ve also met people who claim the “gift of insight,” but their sweeping statements and conclusions sometimes seem critical and harsh. This “discernment” can create obstacles to charitable judgment, the judgment to believe best in someone as we would want them to believe best in themselves (Matthew 22:39; 1 Corinthians 13:7 NIV).
In a study of the habits of extremely happy couples, social scientist Shonti Feldhahn found that when these couples are hurt, they tend to believe that their spouse did not mean to hurt them. And statistically, it wasn’t wishful thinking. Literally 99 percent of all spouses surveyed (not just happy spouses) genuinely wanted what was best for their spouse. However, looking at this statistic, Feldhahn says, “While some spouses believe in this almost universal reality, many do not. This is one of the main reasons for differences in happiness.”
So as you examine the “evidence,” remember that while many truths are black and white, most wisdom lies in complexity. Think of it like identifying an old pixelated photo in a newspaper and picking out the tiny pixels of light, medium, or dark gray.
In any situation at home, have you ever asked your child pointed questions about possible manipulation? Can you expect your spouse to read your mind? Have you interpreted your child’s likes and dislikes as your own failings? Does your experience seem to be screaming at you that you are inadequate and worthless?
Ask God to reveal the broken narrative that is misdirecting your anger.
Let’s mess it up
Maybe your family is like mine, but you don’t. . . Never. . . fight.
But there’s wisdom in Sean Connery’s lines in “First Night.” “There is peace only on the other side of war.” As I was told, do not confuse harmony with intimacy.
No, I’m not encouraging you to argue or storm castles for the sake of it. But I’m also not saying that peaceful families should refrain from getting involved in sticky situations. Let’s not run away from the opportunity to make our relationship more real.
We don’t need any more “sweeping under the rug” families where everyone pretends to be happy and can’t engage with each other to the point where they learn to function according to a set of elaborate, unspoken rules so that no one gets off on the wrong foot.
God does not specifically bless peacekeepers or peacebreakers, but peacemakers. Those who strive for true peace are those who prove themselves to be children of God and the ultimate peacemakers.
Excerpted from How to Stop Yelling on the Stairs: Staying Calm While Parenting. Copyright © 2026 by Janel Breitenstein. Published by Kregel Publishing. Used with permission. Unauthorized reproduction is prohibited.
Janelle Breitenstein has spent six years in youth ministry, five years abroad, and many more years writing and speaking to parents. She has over 20 published works and over 10 years of publishing and marketing experience. The mother of a messy family of six, Janelle writes in an authentic and intimate style that connects with readers around the world. You can find her having uncomfortable and important conversations at Janelbreitenstein.com.
