Prayer feels like death when you choose life
Author: Peyton Garland
Bible reading:
“Dear brothers and sisters, I swear that I face death every day, as sure as my pride is in what Christ Jesus our Lord has done in you.” – 1 Corinthians 15:31 (NIV)
Listen or read below:
I didn’t know what I valued, often so deeply that I didn’t have to give up on it first.
To marry my husband, I had to give up my life as a single woman. I was no longer following my own schedule or timeline. From dinner plans to holiday events, we now need to communicate with others. And that’s just a surface level surrender. When I get married, my pride, need to be right, and impatience go away before I can love another person, and I need someone to hone me, teach me, and encourage me in areas I don’t want to reveal.
Becoming a mother has forced me to let go of the body I once had, one that could eat five pizzas without gaining weight, laugh without peeing, and even sleep through the night. I’ve had to consider my own inherent selfishness and laziness, as another tiny creature’s needs take priority over my wants (and needs, too).
I often look at old photos of myself, from my late teens and early 20s, and laugh at how much free time I had to look good socially, how much free time I had to travel and do what I wanted, when I wanted. A part of me still envies that freedom. But I don’t have the courage to go back to my old self. Because I have too many layers that have been shed, parts that I really need to let go of and don’t want to go back to.
Having so many parts of me die has made me a better person. I’m certainly not perfect, but I know without a doubt that my life has meaning because I’ve been forced to die to myself over and over again.
For me, as I have repeatedly learned by visiting my grandfather’s gravestone, there is life beside the grave. Death in the hands of Christ is simply access to new life, and although it is often inconceivable to our human minds, this new life is always abundant. That’s better. It continues.
Death in the hands of the Father is never in vain. Not only will it never be thrown away, but it will turn into beauty. It often takes on entirely new forms, leaving you not only unrecognizable but completely out of reach even if you were six feet under. And that’s always the best thing.
In the Christian walk, choosing life requires that something else die. We cannot become more like Christ if we hold on tightly to our bodies. You cannot put someone first without killing the idols of comfort and self-preservation. Nothing comes as safe and easy as the change that comes when you can look yourself in the mirror and see the newfound resilience that God has put in place for you.
As finite humans, we cannot balance who we are with who we want to be. You have to defeat one and let one die so you can keep the other. And in His mercy and grace, He will let you decide which weights to carry.
Free will is beautiful, but choosing to become something more so that something more real and permanent can take root and grow always comes at the high price of denying one’s current desires, hobbies, and pleasures. Of course, this is not easy. Death is never good. But something much better awaits you than the temporary discomfort and pain of dying to yourself today.
This spring season, as many things blossom, bloom, and come to life, let us not forget the death of winter they endured, the patience they practiced to become that, and the God they surrendered to in order to become something far more beautiful and life-giving.
Choose to live, even if it feels like death. You won’t regret it.
Let’s pray:
Father, bless me with your discernment and strength when I make life choices that feel deadly. I pray for Your mercy and grace as I honor Your call to death upon my body. And I ask you to give me godly friends and mentors to champion me on this Christian journey. We praise you for being our life and never leaving us empty.
In your hands, death will change. We praise your resurrection power, which not only saves our souls, but also gives us the strength to walk in your peace, faith, and boldness.
In Your Almighty Name we pray, Jesus, Amen.
Share your thoughts on today’s devotion in the Daily Prayer discussion in the Crosswalk Forum.
Photo credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/SanderStock
Peyton Garland is a writer, editor, and mom of a boy who lives in the beautiful foothills of East Tennessee. For more encouragement, subscribe to her blog Uncured+OK.
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