In the past 25 years of ministry, I have been involved in several issues that have involved conflict within the church. Some of it worked. Some were not. But all along the way, we were able to analyze and discuss how we could do better. When we step away from such situations, we are tempted to pretend that we are right or to believe that we are not at fault in the situation.
However, from having been unable to move forward with someone who is spiritually stuck, saying things in an unnecessarily angry tone, or becoming enraged by another person’s actions or attitudes, I know that I need to take on some responsibility for the conflict.
Recently, I attended a training session offered by my church denomination for its staff. In this training, you will read Bible verses and role-play scenarios to better resolve conflicts. When I got back up after training, I noticed some things I could improve on when it comes to confrontations. Here’s how I learned how to be a peacebuilder.
take responsibility
The first thing I learned during my training was that it is extremely important to take responsibility for your role in a conflict. Even if I am primarily correct in handling the situation, even if love prevents me from using harsh words or words, it is still my contribution to the conflict. I have learned to own 100 percent, even the small part I own in a conflict.
During a conflict, I have to start by participating in it as well. This means being specific about my mistakes and mistakes in the conflict. This requires great humility. If I want to be like Jesus, I have to humble myself and admit that I didn’t handle everything the right way.
To build peace, we must accept even a small part of our conflict. Conflicts cannot be resolved by speaking to someone in an accusatory tone. Admitting that things could have been handled differently helps level the playing field and helps the other person feel justified in their response. Starting with an apology can also help ease the feelings of the person you want to make up with.
confess completely
One of the best things I learned through my training is that I must fully confess my sins to others. They explained that some people prefer to “profess the light.” In other words, a general full apology is not a full confession. For example, I can’t go up to someone and say, “I’m sorry I hurt you,” without being specific about how I hurt you.
If we are not aware of the specific ways we have hurt someone, we must seek revelation from the Holy Spirit to show us exactly how we have hurt our brothers and sisters in Christ. The Bible says we must confess our sins to one another. In order for us to become better people and repair our relationships, we must confess our sins to each other. However, sometimes pride gets in the way and you are reluctant to fully confess so as not to damage your reputation. But God is glorified when we humble ourselves and admit that we have made mistakes in situations that we could have handled differently. Acknowledging your sins, analyzing your life, recognizing your faults, and fully confessing them are some ways to become a person who can fully confess to others.
write a letter
If reconciliation is difficult to achieve, you may find it difficult to meet face-to-face. This may be because the person may become defensive, vent anger, or interrupt the situation in a way that causes chaos and heightened emotions rather than peace and unity. In these cases, it may be best to write a letter to the person. That way you can express whatever you want to say in a way that honors God and doesn’t give in to your emotions.
To achieve peace in this situation, we must respect the good parts of their character, which I agree with. Then I need to fully confess my role in the conflict. And when everything comes out, I’ll be able to express how hurt I was through that whole situation. I write without expecting any response or concerted action to keep the peace. Instead, I understand that being a peacemaker does not always mean receiving peace. Instead, I must make peace as much as possible in every situation.
recognize the need
Behind every request is a secret, deep need that needs to be fulfilled within the soul. The three biggest needs are recognition, meaning, and security. Acceptance means wanting others to acknowledge your feelings and make you feel complete. Meaning is the desire for our lives to impact others.
This can be achieved through accomplishments, possessions, or other things that define us by something other than God. Safety is the feeling of fear for one’s own safety, both towards others and in certain situations. We strive to be as safe as possible. Sometimes, in times of conflict, our deepest need is for someone to protect us and care for us. But instead of bringing people closer together, it pushes people further apart.
The next time you encounter a conflict, you should analyze your needs in the situation. One of my deepest needs is security. I want people to feel protected and I feel the need to protect others. Often, we react out of anger and fear rather than the peace and unity that comes from the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.
It is essential to know these needs and understand what the other person needs in that situation. It is not our job to meet the needs of others, but it is important to guide them so that the Holy Spirit will meet all their needs through Christ Jesus. Pointing this out to others may help them realize the need, stop the conflict, and start interacting with others in a healthy way.
break the bond
In some cases, peace may not be achieved. I have to try to live in peace with everyone, but I know that’s not possible. Because peace between others involves trust. When relationships break, it is essential to confess sins and enable people to achieve reconciliation and repentance. People who do not repent of their actions do not express true sadness.
If they don’t express sincere remorse and it’s not easy to build a relationship with someone, that trust will prevent them from fully engaging. In these cases, it is essential to break off the relationship because the person is not suitable for you or your life. This will only hurt them repeatedly and is not a good idea. God is a God of reconciliation, but sometimes bitter disagreements get in the way of peace.
Being a peacekeeper is not easy. However, we are called to practice peace in situations that glorify God. We can achieve peace and unity in our lives and the church can become the unity of Christ and must reflect the glory of God before Christ comes.
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Michelle S. Lazurek is an award-winning multi-genre author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent with Wordwise Media Services and host of The Spiritual Reset podcast. Her new children’s book, Hall of Faith, encourages children to understand that God can be trusted. When I’m not working, I enjoy drinking Starbucks lattes, collecting 80’s memorabilia, and spending time with my family and dog. For more information, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.
