“I want to go home,” I said in a trembling, tearful voice. This was a phone call I often received from my mother when I went to sleepovers. As the night drew near, my separation anxiety also increased.
This is a common symptom of children struggling with anxiety. Whether it’s generalized anxiety, separation anxiety, or social anxiety, parents often don’t know the “right” thing to do in such situations. What about when your child lashes out and you react in a way that makes you feel like a terrible parent? (Don’t worry, you’re not, you’re just human.)
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Anxiety in children: what you need to know
In the FamilyLife Today® Podcast, David Thomas and Cissy Goff share how children experience emotional intensity through the actions of their parents. For better or worse, it’s a long game for parents to ask themselves, “How can I pay more attention to my emotions and how I react to my children so that I don’t live in blind spots?”
It starts with learning that anxiety is different for each child, and we need to examine our own attitudes of heart and mind to reflect Jesus to our children.
Here are four things you should know about anxiety in children and how parents can deal with it.
1. Be responsive, not reactive.
In most situations, yelling at your child doesn’t actually help. Imagine this. Your child thought there was a cap on the marker before he started doodling blue on the kitchen table. They approach you anxiously, marker in hand, unsure of what to do. What is your first reaction? Is it to yell at them for their carelessness? Most importantly, your child needs love, care, safety, and protection during this uncertain moment. Conversely, aggressive words, “tough love,” or punishment can tell them that they are a burden or that their feelings are invalid.
2. All actions are communication.
Thomas and Goff say, “Everything that’s going on with our kids with anxiety is trying to tell us, in terms of performance, something that they need from us in that moment.” That might mean a hug, encouragement, moving to a quiet place, or needing a listening ear.
When you’re feeling overwhelmed, there’s nothing more reassuring than a hug from mom or dad (even as an adult).
One way to find out what your child needs is to get down to their eye level and say: “Honey, I can see you’re starting to get frustrated.” Or, “I can tell you’re getting frustrated right now. I want you to take a really deep breath with me.” This is an opportunity to help your child add appropriate coping strategies to their toolbox for anxious moments.
3. Regulate first, discuss second.
Rather than jumping in to be your child’s savior, learning how to work and coordinate with them can actually bring about more healing than you realize.
If children’s thinking brains are not online, they will not be able to make connections between what is rational and what is not. Therefore, for such a thing to happen, you first need to regulate as a parent.
Demonstrating regulation is a win-win. Run around the house, listen to soothing music, or go to counseling. When your child comes to you with anxious thoughts, make the effort necessary to be the best version of yourself that can bring out the best in them.
4. Discipline should come last.
Discipline is designed to teach, not punish. Fundamentally, we want our children to know and experience on a heart level that they are loved and safe, especially in moments of anxiety.
When you notice your child’s anxiety, you may want to just fix, fix, fix, or discipline, discipline, discipline. As parents, that’s our innate reaction. Yes, there are times when discipline is necessary, but in those moments when anxiety is swirling in your child’s head, discipline can take a backseat (for now).
There are no perfect parents. No child is perfect. Thankfully, we serve a perfect God who senses our every emotion. Jesus, the Son, felt anxious knowing that his time had come and that he would give his life for the broken world around him. In Matthew 26:38, Jesus speaks of being overwhelmed (with sadness) about what was about to happen. God is with him in that moment, and the same God is with you and your anxious child.
Interested in reading more? Check out “Anxiety is real. So is God.” This free devotional will help you overcome the complexity of anxiety and see how God meets you in your anxiety.
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Brooke Wilson is a content writer, editor, and digital designer at FamilyLife. She serves remotely in Greenville, South Carolina. She and her husband Perry have an adorable baby boy named Parker. You can often see her out with friends at coffee shops or hiking with her chocolate lab, Willow.
