During the Valentine’s season, most marketplaces focus on happy love, successful relationships deserving of fancy dinners, expensive jewelry, and the ultimate romantic fanfare. When they pitch their product to a relationship in trouble, it’s to convince you that their class, board game, or gift certificate will restore what was lost.
Even worse, others will make you believe that being a cynic, a man-hater, or a rebel against love makes you more powerful. In this regard, their sales functions only add to the power trip of heartbreak.
Regardless of the marketing pitch or the products we purchase, for many of us, Valentine’s Day is more than just a day to eat dinner with our spouses. It is a day when we reflect on the love we have lost, or the love that is dangling by a thread. Our minds consider not only romantic relationships, but also everyone in the community with whom we interact on a daily basis.
Unfortunately, in a world full of fallen people, there are some people we interact with on a daily basis that are incredibly difficult to love, especially when they make us feel so unloved.
love does not replace responsibility
When we think of someone we find difficult to love, we immediately run through a list of (often legitimate) reasons why we have a hard time keeping them in our lives, let alone loving them. Perhaps they take advantage of our generosity financially or with our time, make us start every conversation, or exhibit narcissistic, passive-aggressive, or emotionally manipulative behavior.
These people may be your boss, co-workers, family, friends,” And even our church mates, and whether we have cut all ties with them or not, we know what it means to feel unloved. We are woefully accustomed to prolonging relational efforts that never pay off.
Therefore, it is easy to say that it is easier to love one person than another, and I completely believe it. However, this “ability”” This is not an accurate understanding of love, because love is not selective. It is a selfless, Spirit-driven way of living. So how can we stay true to our mission to practice unbounded love when we feel unloved or need to leave a toxic or dangerous relationship?
We must accept that our ability to love is not dependent on those who have hurt us. We can forgive them and move on without their harm destroying our hearts or calling us to sacrificial charity. On the other hand, we must be willing to reflect on the ways in which we may have, intentionally or not, negatively affected a reconcilable and secure relationship.
Otherwise, feelings of distrust and cynicism will guide our thoughts and actions, and we will not rest in the love of God as our fulfillment and worth.
love does not ignore the spirit
An easy way to prevent your wounds from taking over the reins of your heart is to consider whether you have ingrained pride or impatience. It’s easy for these vices to get into our thoughts and emotions and tell us that someone else should have changed sooner or that we are at fault in a certain situation, but they only keep us bound to our pain. In that case, the condition of our soul is determined by unhealthy and unkind people, not our identity in Christ.
Remember, the enemy’s only purpose is not to tempt you into sin. It is also to isolate you from the freedom of God’s purifying love, knowing that before God’s love sin has no power and the hurt will not last. After all, God doesn’t want your broken heart to grow cold.
Of course, I’m not saying that God’s love condones abuse. As brides of God, we are not called to be habitually betrayed by others. And we were never meant to live in dangerous, soul-damaging relationships because we are all sinners, even if we are at fault in certain places.
This means that loving well when you feel unloved is a conscientious, inner work between you and the Spirit. It is a growing pain that requires introspection and honesty with God. Indeed, it may not be possible to fix it.” Although an earthly relationship, it gives your heart the patience, humility, and empathy to give love the final say.
It gives you the wisdom, insight, and self-control to recognize which relationships need honest discussion for reconciliation and which relationships are unhealthy and should be left behind.
Love cannot ignore personal growth
Since being diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Secondary Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I have discovered the power of sharing my heart. It’s not because I have medical wisdom or can perform miracles. But I know what it means to breathe a sigh of relief and think, “Oh, I’m not alone in this. Others are suffering too.””
So I’m sharing these “tips”” It’s for personal growth when you feel unloved. Not because I have overcome my own bitterness or frustration, but because I am also growing, repenting, and healing. I am with you in the meadows that are not so green, but brown and rough, beaten and trodden by the hardened and careless hearts of others.
These are spiritual strategies I have adopted to allow God’s love to work in me.
1. Take inventory of your emotions
The reason we end up in a spiral where other people’s unhealthy habits control our behavior is because we are unable to control our own emotions. I feel angry or sad first, and my emotions overwhelm me and dictate how I react. And this never ends well. Never.
There’s nothing wrong with feeling unloved and sad, and there’s even room for justified anger, but we’re not at our best when our emotional reactions to our most heartbreaking moments are at their peak. We often allow our circumstances to override God’s guidance.
This goes back to the impatience and pride I talked about earlier when we don’t allow ourselves the space to remember that we are human. We are flawed too, and our knee-jerk reactions to feeling hurt or rejected rarely produce justice or healing.
Next time you feel the first pain from someone else and know your own body’s warning signs, be disciplined enough to practice patience and humility. Step back while your body processes its initial emotional response, and be patient and humbly appraise. your Not their hearts.
2. Seek a prudent third-party attorney
An unbiased, godly third-person perspective can be a game-changer when working through rejection and heartache. It is often not wise to go to someone else who knows both you and the person who made you feel unloved. Their predetermined biases determine their advice, which is susceptible to their emotions and personal opinions.
My husband and I are seeing a Christian counselor. Because there are people in our sphere of influence that we don’t know how to interact with. They make us feel unheard and ignored. Our Christian counselors have the tools to create conversations that make you think about where you’re going wrong in your relationships, or how you can better communicate your feelings and needs. She also guides us to recognize which relationships are beyond repair.
But Love gets a little uncomfortable and shows up to hear the truth. Even if it exposes our unrecognized sins and encourages us to leave behind the unhealthy.
3. Lean into healthy love.
If someone makes you feel unloved and you’re content with being emotionally, mentally, verbally, or even physically abusive to them, it’s not your place to change that. Actually, you can’t do that. That is between them and God.
But just because you feel unloved by one person or group of people shouldn’t keep you from loving and leaning into the wonderful people God has placed in your life. Never stop showing up for others. Don’t give up on serving as God leads you. And don’t quit people who don’t quit themselves.
We desperately need each other in this Christian walk. The world is too cruel and difficult to navigate alone. So when you feel unloved, pour your love into a place that is healthy, safe, and encouraging. Don’t let the well run dry.
love is in truth
This Valentine’s Day, if you find yourself piling up feelings of lost love, abandonment, and rejection, take inventory of your feelings, find a trusted, godly outside perspective, and challenge yourself to continue pouring out the love in other areas of your life.
Your worth has never been and will never be held by anything other than the gentle, all-loving, unchanging hands of your gentle Maker. Rest in that truth this Valentine’s season.
Photo credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/CandyRetriever
Peyton Garland is a writer, editor, and mom of a boy who lives in the beautiful foothills of East Tennessee. For more encouragement, subscribe to her blog Uncured+OK.
