It’s November. The colors and tastes tell us that it’s about to get colder and the days are getting later. This is also the time when many of my friends start hearing about vacation plans from their relatives. I listened intently as they came up with a plan to please everyone involved. I sat and thought about how lucky I am to not have to deal with all of that, but at the same time I felt a little jealous that I couldn’t share it. And when I got together for coffee with some of these women last year, I remember thinking about them taking back their vacations. So if you’re about to get into that scary time of the year, this is for you.
I met my husband 23 years ago and his parents were already living in Portugal. Shortly after we met, his son moved to Arkansas. I grew up in a divorced household so we were tolerant of each other on holidays so there was no drama. I’ve never had to share my holidays or work schedule with anyone.
I grew up celebrating Christmas Day. We gathered at my grandparents, cousins, and friends’ houses for dinner on Christmas Eve. But the real magic happened at home on Christmas morning. My mom and dad drank too much grasshopper the night before, so I’ll always remember those slow mornings in my pajamas and the aroma in the background of my coffee brewing. The photo reminds me of the sleep I saw as it tore through the paper, like a hungry raccoon tearing through trash. Those Christmases belonged to my parents, my brother, and us. There was no need to rush to get dressed and go somewhere. Some years, we would have relatives come to visit us from out of state. We opened presents, laughed, enjoyed food, loved each other, and had a special Christmas dinner. I now know that it took my mom so long to make it and even more time to clean it up, but I remember my dad being in the kitchen with her.
When my husband and I met, we both loved how it worked. His uncle and aunt, the matriarch and matriarch of the Trigo family, always hosted a big dinner on Christmas Eve. We got together with my nieces, nephews, his brothers, cousins, aunts, and uncles, opened presents, ate delicious food, played games, and drank a little too much vino (lol). My mother and younger brother were also invited to participate. One year I even took my father with me. Tio and Tia, the days spent at your house on Christmas Eve are some of my favorite memories and times I will never forget. As our family grew and our children started having children, we decided to stay close to home and stay in town, visiting my brother-in-law’s house on Christmas Eve and returning home on Christmas Day.
When the twins were babies and toddlers, we spent Christmas Eve at his uncle’s house and then at his brother’s house, which was only five minutes away. But COVID-19 brought us home. And our Christmas morning got smaller and bigger all at once. We lost our grandmother, father, and mother. We were blessed with a daughter and a son.
The first few years were… ok. If you can see the magic in their eyes and pass on all the traditions, baking, songs and flavors to your children, the magic of Christmas will become even deeper in your heart. Now that I think about how different that movie would have been if the Grinch had a child, haha. But when you create someone’s childhood and are able to inherit it, magic is certainly ignited. Celebrate the happy memories of your childhood and ignore the parts you don’t like. At least that’s every parent’s goal, right? Christmas as a mother was a gift from the Lord. Every year, every season, and every age, you can keep opening new, unopened gift pieces, bringing the same level of excitement as your first Christmas morning as a child. Becoming a mother and celebrating the holidays is truly magical. My husband jumped right in and bought all the bargains. He lit every light bulb he could find. True Griswold fashion unfolded before my eyes when he became a father around Christmas time.
Christmas has always been a wonderful time for my husband and me. We always looked forward to the end of the year, when the world economy calmed down and we could celebrate the birth of Jesus. We can reflect not only on our own year, but also on our family’s year and the world. Knowing that people will leave the table and others will show up allows us to slow down a little more and enjoy these sacred moments, but we don’t know who or when that time will be. Another blessing this time of year is that we have a huge FRAMILY. What we choose to raise our children with. People coming to Tuesday’s soccer game or Monday’s gymnastics performance. People who show up and become part of the family. The moments I spend with them during this time are so special. Even though my parents didn’t join us on our vacation, I’m so grateful that we were able to experience some amazing moments that we can look back on and smile about.
I really appreciate it. As soon as I finish writing about how great our vacation was, I have to tell my husband. That being said. Our vacation also had its lonely and quiet parts. I never had a home to go to. When we were growing up, we didn’t have a bedroom where we made our beds for the holidays and waited for them to arrive. There have never been any grandparents to share the celebration with. There was just no one else to argue with or demand someone else’s way. His parents live in another country and my parents were also with us for a short time. After the twins were born, holidays were spent with just my brother, me, and sometimes his family.
So, over coffee last year, I heard the story and shared it with a friend. I shared how lucky they are to still have a family. But I advised them to take their vacation back. These are your family moments that your children will remember, and why share it because of blood? Perhaps this is due to my unique situation, but in my opinion, if someone’s mother or mother-in-law isn’t involved in their life on a daily, weekly, monthly basis, why should they have a say or dictate how they spend their holidays?
Too many relatives impose their plans on their children. Let the children make plans. You can invite the children, or you don’t have to. Remember, this is their family. Maybe you want to stay home in your pajamas on Christmas morning. Or there’s no need to rush. You could consider hosting a Christmas Eve dinner to make their day special, or you could give them some space on Christmas Eve and ask them how you can celebrate them with Christmas dinner. I know that someday I will become a parent too. I want an invitation. My husband and I can only hope that we remember how wonderful our holidays were because we were able to celebrate them the way we wanted and not how someone else thought we should.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am not asking you to be rude or cruel to your family. I request you to take back your vacation. Please remember that these are the times. Christmas morning is the only time I get to spend time with my little ones. What do you and your spouse want? Do it and arrange the rest around it. If your relatives don’t like the plan, that’s okay. There is always a New Year’s dinner. But don’t make them feel guilty. They are not there at this moment of every day, so why give them the most special moments? Ladies, we have time to shape this season around what we really want. It’s troublesome and difficult. I’m not telling you to do something I haven’t done before. However, the scale is small. I brought back last year’s Christmas morning.
Since the twins were born, their grandparents have not been in the picture. We shared the vacation with my brother. My brother was single, never married, and had no children. He has been there every holiday since we had the twins. Some of them we had to wait until he arrived, some of them we had to wait for him to wake up. Last year, we decided as a family that we wanted to spend Christmas morning with just my mom, dad, sister, and brother. We love our uncle, but we tell him we only have a few more Christmas mornings with our kids and that we want to have it all to ourselves. He was there for the first nine days. Our 10th Christmas morning was all ours and it was magical. There was no waiting time for the uncle, so it was a special time. Did I miss him? of course. As my daughter pointed out, “It doesn’t feel like Christmas without him,” so we didn’t eliminate him completely. We took Christmas morning back and invited him to Christmas dinner. And as you know. It was wonderful. We had a special time and still managed to celebrate with our loved ones.
I promise it’s going to be awkward, I promise it’s going to be hard. But I promise, spending this year being yourself will be worth it in the end. Your vacation will be just the way you imagined it. The extra seats are just that extra. So while they are part of our history, they are not the whole story. Your story begins now. Will you spend another year smiling and nodding at your spouse, silently screaming as you listen to Aunt Edith’s stories each year, or will you continue to cuddle up and watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” with your husband and babies?
In any case, coffee soon.
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/svetikd
