Maybe you’re not particularly positive, and maybe you’re as sweet and sticky as fresh cinnamon rolls from a mall food court (ok, try focusing). The good news is that there is a universal truth that suits each of us. We can also learn from others and grow in areas where we are weak without underestimating the areas of our strong lives.
All you want to do is yell at him and tell your husband about life
What is your communication style?
If Dave is a direct communicator whom he calls the “preacher” type, he may share anything that comes into his mind in a more powerful style. If your particular temperament is a more obedient and conflict avoidant agent, even thinking about cultivating something more difficult may be able to feel paralyzed, fearing that what you say might anger your husband. If that’s you, it’s time to be more comfortable with your own voice in your marriage.
Perhaps you’re somewhere in the middle, or you’re like me now. It is an oral processor. I came across a quote attributed to Gustave Flaubert, a 19th century French novelist. “The art of writing is the art of discovering what you believe in.” Take it a step further. For me, the art of speaking also leads me to discover what I believe. If this applies to you, our first universal application will probably hit you where it hit me – between the eyes. Before we say anything to our husband, we should stop and pray immediately. “God, should I say that?”
Can you admit how difficult this is for me to learn? I’m still struggling with that.
For us, we have to say something to know whether we think about it or not, to pause and consider whether it can be particularly difficult to come to our minds. But for all of us, it’s a good habit. And yes, the same goes for our husbands. It took me a while to truly believe that every random thought in my head didn’t need verbalization for known or validation.
When thoughts start to roll
When you blur everything you think, there are a few things that you said you want to not. Your emotions are underdeveloped and are probably not ready for consumption yet. They probably should have stayed in the oven a little longer.
Over the years I have discovered that my verbal processing can short-circumvent Dave’s way of handling. I can think very loudly about my fears and worries, about what I’m wrong, or about not sure I’m angry at him, about Dave even returning to the fetal position in the farthest corner of the room. It’s not that he doesn’t care what I have to say, but everything in my mind might be too much for a comfortable pre-dinner conversation.
This tendency to think loudly is not just a “women’s problem.” In fact, despite the stereotype that women speak more excessively than men, I don’t use as many words as Dave. I’m quieter than him. But when it comes to what needs to be processed, the words roll out of their mouths and don’t pass through the filter along the way. I may not really mean half of what I say in these moments, but they still can make Dave feel crushed.
Timeless Bible Warning
The wisdom of Pro-Language provides insight into this issue. “Do you see someone who hastily speaks? There is more hope for the fool than they do” (29:20, NIV). it hurts. If you read a lot in proverbs books, you know that writers talk quite a bit about the fate of fools. To state that to hurry up without thinking is to make us more hopeless than the fools described in Pro-word, is to firmly declare that this is something we all should tackle.
Furthermore, we double our stupidity when we feel that we have to remove everything without giving the other person the chance to reply. Marriage is rarely a good forum for monologues. I’m talking about the moment you’ve said your work perfectly for the past hour, to the point that only the sounds from inside you’re heard. Maybe you keep cutting him off and even tell him what he really means, but he’s really saying something different. Again versatile: “Answer before listening – it is stupid and shameful” (18:13, NIV).
I’m not saying that your husband doesn’t need to hear your little thoughts or feelings. No, sharing these things is part of the lifelong vows we make. We mean it’s okay to know how we are made and how it’s made. Can you imagine if you and your husband were the same? You will be so bored or too furious as you crush each other.
The wisdom of pause
The wise inner job is to learn how to communicate and practice pausing before you say everything you can say to a human. After you ask God if you should tell your husband that, you may choose to hold your thoughts for another time, or you can bring it into your community first and even have more developments and modifications. Or, at least you can choose to limit what you say to just one or two of the 37 points you have in your head and save the full speech until after dinner.
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Adjust from the way you tell your husband life: All you want to do is yell at him. Copyright©2025 by Dave and Ann Wilson. Published by Zondervan. Used with permission. Unauthorized reproduction is prohibited.
Dave and Ann Wilson are co-hosts of Family Life Today®. They are also co-founders of Kensington Church, a national numerous church that hosts more than 14,000 participants each weekend. Dave and Anne are authors of Vertical Marriage. The only secret to change your marriage, and Anne’s new book, How to tell your husband about life: What you want to do is when you yell at him. Wilson lives in the Detroit area. There, Dave served as Pastor Detroit Lions for 33 years. Dave and Anne have three grown sons, CJ, Austin and Cody, and three stepdaughters and six grandchildren.
