If I could, I would love to meet you for coffee and look you in the eye and say, “I’m so sorry you feel lost and alone.” This job of motherhood is hard and can be very lonely at times. We may all know that we all need friends to extend support, sincere encouragement, and helpful advice, but now friendships are starting to look (and feel) different too.
The truth is that motherhood not only changes us, but also our relationships, including friendships. It’s not necessarily intentional, it’s just reality. When you’re juggling kids, husbands, jobs, and loads of laundry, you have little time for anything else, much less time with friends. Sadly, over time, we just coast and get swayed by the demands of our families and the never-ending checklist of things we have to accomplish. True, there may be mom friends who suddenly appear in our lives for a short period of time, but as soon as something happens in life and obligations are imposed, they unfortunately part. So how exactly can we overcome motherhood and maintain friendships?
Make new friends and keep old ones
If I’m being emotionally honest, I miss my “old” friends and wonder what they’re doing and how their kids are doing. It’s especially difficult when, even though we lived together and shared our deepest thoughts and struggles, “mommy life” slowly (or suddenly) drove us apart. So when we happen to run into each other at the grocery store or at a school event, the awkward casual conversation often leaves us wondering what our friendship might be like if we just tried a little harder.
But, on the contrary, there are also friends who, despite all odds, build beautiful friendships. It’s great if we invest equally and strive equally, until we don’t. Maybe moving across countries increases tensions and the distance creates a huge rift, or maybe your enemy has other plans and your friendship is torn apart by too much drama and tension. At any point, all that remains are hurt feelings and painful memories. As I said earlier, our friendships change when we become mothers. And, sadly, sometimes I feel like I was in high school.
But what if I told you that while making new mom friends may seem different than keeping old mom friends, there is a purpose behind it all, and our God is at the forefront of it all? That means there is a purpose to everything! I’d love to flip through the script with you (yes, you!) today. Come grab a cup of coffee (or a nice chamomile tea) and meet us at the messy kitchen table, surrounded by cereal crumbs and crayons. It’s time for us to face reality and be brutally honest. More importantly, let’s explore what God says about friendships with these mothers.
Not every mother in your life needs to be your friend
That is an unacceptable truth. Because, like me, you may have a pretty special woman in your life right now. You just haven’t been able to create friendships from it. Other times, even though you both bring something to the friendship, it doesn’t work out or the friendship just doesn’t “mesh” so to speak. When this happens and we find ourselves in a season of eternal loneliness where friendships don’t come easily, we can start believing all sorts of things – lies. But the truth is, not every mother will be “your cup of tea” and you won’t be their cup of tea either. And did you know? It’s okay!
God knows that we deeply long for meaningful and purposeful friendships. God created us that way (Proverbs 17:17). Therefore, deep connections with others are invaluable, especially when it comes to serving as a mother. This may be why it hurts so much when you don’t have friends you can rely on. But to be fair, we don’t just want friends. We want friends that we can really connect with. Someone who is vulnerable and relatable, who understands our struggles and empathizes with our outlandish jokes and comments. Friends who show compassion and extend support through prayer and praise. An honest, humble and sincere friend. Friends who hold us close to the fire when we go against God and His Word. Basically, as believers, we want mom friends who can help us grow further in our faith (Proverbs 27:17).
So while friends may come and go in our lives for reasons only God knows, we must trust in God’s plan and purpose for every mother we meet. What you need to remember when you feel lonely is that finding true, genuine friends who will encourage you and hold you accountable to being a better wife, mother, sister, and daughter is not easy and takes time. But it is achievable when we put our trust in God and know that He will give us the blessing of a kind friend just when we need her.
How to make mom friends
Perhaps when you were a kid, you could find friends by going to the beach or going to the local spa. But these days, you can barely keep your head above water and even if you get the privilege of soaking in the water at a spa, you’ll probably be asleep within 10 minutes. However, finding friends as a mother will be very different than when you were a child.
Now you can be late to the carpool line or try to feed a fussy baby at the mall without the glare of scrutiny. Times have changed, so it may feel like friendship has to wait until now. And so it happens. If you meet another mom coming up behind you in a car wearing yoga pants with puke on her shirt, that’s all you need to do, and you’re instant friends. Or the mom who flops next to you at the mall and fools you with an understanding smile. And you know, this mom gets it! And that’s how it all started.
Oh, but don’t be discouraged if your “friend” doesn’t show up in sweatpants with holes, dirty bread, and toothpaste. Because in the meantime, you…
1. Start with yourself. Go on and make a list of what you can bring to the friendship (even mentally is okay). Explore the Bible verses below to discover what you have to offer and areas where you can grow. Invite God into these places and ask for His help.
A good friend is someone who:
Encouraging and supportive – 1 Thessalonians 5:11
Open, honest, and trustworthy – James 5:16
A heart of service and a heart of kindness – 1 Peter 4:8-10
Equally yoke – Galatians 6:4
Honest, kind, and compassionate – Galatians 6:2
This is just the beginning. There are many other scriptures about friendship. Dig deep into God’s Word and see what you can glean from it as He reveals to you His heart behind friendships.
2. Think about the traits and characteristics you want in a mom friend.
3. Please pray for God’s blessings so that you can find a new kind mom friend. Share what you need in detail, considering what it will bring to the friendship.
4. Step outside your comfort zone a little. Join a local mom’s group or women’s Bible study, or strike up a conversation with a mom during your child’s soccer practice. Listen to where God is leading you and step out boldly in faith.
5. Remember that finding the right friends takes time and begins with trusting and surrendering to the Lord. Be patient with yourself and the process, and be open to the opportunities God brings to you. Mom friendships are often formed from simple similarities and personalities that bond in unique and beautiful ways.
Once you find a sweet mom friend, just like any meaningful relationship, invest a little of your time, energy, and effort to water it with love and allow God to guide you with compassion, integrity, and honesty. Trust me, what you pour into your sweet friendships will often blossom into immeasurable blessings, evoking sweet memories of our greatest friend in Jesus.
Photo credit: ©Getty Images/jacoblund
Alicia Searle is a dedicated author, blogger, and speaker who is passionate about pouring out her heart and leading women of all ages to Jesus. She has an academic background and holds a master’s degree in reading and writing. Her loved ones call her Mama. So much of her time is spent cheering them on at softball games and dance classes. She’s married to her crush (a tall, spiky-haired blonde) who can make a mean latte. She writes her heart on the page while sipping on the deliciousness as the puppy licks her paws. Visit her website aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.
