I’m not sure if you’re familiar with Bruce Springsteen’s classics. Adam raised Cain on the unforgettable closing line, “And because of the dark heart of a dream, but not forgotten, but Adam raised Cain.”
For those who are not very familiar with the biblical stories behind these lyrics, this song explains it in these words,
In the Bible, Mamma, Cainsuruebel, Mamma’s East of Eden, he was cast
You are born into this life, paying for someone else’s past sins.
Sin enters the world through Adam. It affects his children.
They’re on a tough line. Sin enters the world through Adam. It affected his child, and one result was that his firstborn son Cain killed his younger brother Abel. Adam raised Cain. And he was Cain for Adam’s original sins.
It’s okay to say, “Yeah, I’m a sinner and I understand that I’m guilty.” But when it hurts more, you are one of the parents who need to look at your offspring and say, “I think I raised Cain.” And of course, you ask yourself, “Was it my fault?”
How did Adam and Eve feel that horrifying day when they faced the fear of what their son Cain had done to the other sons, and at that stage they had only two children (see Gen 4:25).
The opening snapshot of biblical family life should be extremely painful and reflects the perception that it is not always carried out for the family to plan, and in fact, the chapters are far too much in Genesis without revealing family flaws or family pain.
So what can we say to our parents in pain (to quote John White’s title, booking about this topic, although quite old now)? Incidentally, if you want to discuss some current books on this subject, here are some of the worth…Coleman’s parents are heartbroken parents, Parsons brings back a stolen digal, and Bernier’s charming stolen dig of today.
Parenting pain can come from many different sources.
First, I think it should be noted that parenting pain can come from many different sources. It may be because your child is not suitable and is extremely unhappy. Or your child may have abandoned his Christian faith. Or you could have mental health issues, addiction issues, or deep, unacceptable behavior.
They may face a health crisis or anxious obstacles. Sometimes our children have a loveless marriage, or experience painful divorces, act irresponsible, or oppose us and refuse to contact us any further. They may be unemployed, and even unemployed.
Sexual orientation may be a problem. Maybe they’re in prison or you’re worried that they might be like that soon. Sometimes it’s even more subtle. There is nothing deeply wrong, but we know that we are quietly ignored.
There are 10 things to consider.
What can you say to your parents in pain? It is also true that silence is often better than saying something, but listening quietly can be the most useful gift we offer, but here are 10 things to consider when the words are appropriate…
1. You are not alone.
That’s simply true. Bible pages are filled with stories of broken family life. Adam wasn’t the only one who raised Cain. Esau wanted to kill his brother Jacob. Jacob was almost not perfect. Joseph’s brother initially planned to kill him, but instead sold him to slavery.
King David’s son Absalom tried to steal the throne from his father, but would have been willing to kill him if he could. He lost his life in the subsequent struggle. For David, that heartbreak never really went. These stories are found in the Bible, as the Bible reflects life. And it reflects the lives of our church families. If you are someone whose family is the source of great pain, then you are not alone.
2. God is not condemned.
When something goes wrong, most people’s default is to ask, “What did I do wrong?” Very painful self-deprecation often follows. He is free from encountering a man born blind from Jesus’ birth. People around him were determined to link a man’s blindness to sin, so he was asked, “Who committed the sin, this man or his parents?” Jesus replies that neither. Rather, this is about the manifestation of God’s work (John 9:1-3).
Rather than assuming responsibility and guilt, I quietly hope that God will work.
We can argue about what Jesus means, but at least we suggest that we quietly hope God will work even in the midst of circumstances that seem impossible, rather than assuming responsibility and guilt. Despite our desire to solve problems, an important part of God’s work is to provide endurance.
Sometimes it’s a breakthrough when we no longer expect it. Ultimately it depends on God, but what we can be sure is that God does not abandon us, he is always at work.
3. God knows the pain of parents.
We are God’s children and yet rebellious against God’s will, so God knows what it’s like to have a rebellious child. Jesus did not rebel against God, but the father had to see that it was painful – there was no pain (the words cannot truly explain Calvary’s fear) – the death of his son. God knows what it’s like to be a parent who suffers.
4. Sometimes you have to leave the house so that you can really get home.
It may seem trivial at the time, but the truth is that many people have to leave their homes so they can finally return. It is the story of a son of a sinister dig. If he hadn’t left the house, he would never have really returned home. You see it to his brother. On the surface, someone who never leaves the house, he will never be at home. But the effervescent dig that comes back is really home.
Sometimes, our children need to try out their own fundamentally different voices so that they can discover their own authentic voice.
Sometimes, our children need to try out their own fundamentally different voices so that they can discover their own authentic voice. It may take a while, but when they find that voice, it often aligns with ourselves.
5. It can take time to love our adult version of children.
They say all the children die, most don’t get funerals, they just grow up. The adult version of some people isn’t that different from the childhood version, but it can be fundamentally different for others.
It may be hard to believe that today’s ruthless adults were once happy and enthusiastic sensitive children and were desperate to help everything. Many parents say, “Where did my little boy (or girl) go?” But one thing they know is that they don’t see any signs of a child they’re missing in the adults before them now.
It can be horribly hurt, especially when the childhood version wins much better. Sometimes we have to ask children to help them to thank them. It must still be asked to give to children to thank them for making us smile when we remember their funny foibles and spontaneous love demonstrations.
Our adult version of children can be better than we admit.
But we must seek God’s help to retreat those memories. And sometimes the adult version of our kids is better than we acknowledge. We need to see them a little differently.
6. Acknowledge what your children are, but don’t forget to find out what they are.
This links to the previous point. So we often spend so much time grieving things that aren’t, we can’t find what.
7. In fact, it’s not so important to think about others.
This is really important to remember and sadly can be particularly relevant to people who are part of the church community. The church community has very high ideals and aspirations. It is unbearably difficult to say in such a community, “My Billy is in prison” or “My Dee couldn’t overcome her heroin addiction.”
I say to my parents, “When most of the parents in this church say, “My son is a Pakistani missionary doctor” or “my daughter is a human rights lawyer”? “The reality is that when we become open about what we are facing, most of the church community comes together with support, love and encouragement.
Be grateful that God understands.
But there will be people who will sometimes (and sometimes, sometimes) blame them. It is best to ignore such people and be grateful that God understands much better than some of his stupid followers.
8. It’s not finished until it’s finished.
Really, it’s not. Don’t stop praying for them (as if you could).
9. And when that’s finished.
What if you had to say, “In fact, it’s over. He died of an overdose.” Or, “No, brain damage is irreversible. There’s no point in denying how it turned out…and there’s no point in denying the obvious.” Sometimes we have to leave it to God. Without God there is no hope. But God’s love spreads beyond the tomb. Only eternity can show what it means.
10. Love conquer everything.
Sometimes we may need to engage in harsh love, but love is always the currency of parenting. Never ration it or threaten to withdraw it. And there is no exception to that. If he says he’s about to move in with his boyfriend, or once again the $50 bill has been lost, another dinner date has been cancelled, or you know they’re lying to you… (well, you know the kind of scenario you’re facing), love keeps conquering everything.
Adam raised Cain. It happened to the first parents of the world – and perhaps it happened to you too. If not, don’t spare prayers for the person it has.
It was originally published on Brian Harris’ blog. It was reissued with permission.
Dr. Brian Harris is based in Perth, Australia. After decades of church pastors and 17 years of theology college, he is now heading the Avenir Leadership Institute, a future core consulting company that will help shape the kind of leader the world needs. Brian is the author of seven books, the latest of which is: It forms the reason why Christianity is probably true (Paternoster, 2020) and Stirrers and Saints: Spirity Leaders of Skill, Depth, and Character (Paternoster, 2024).
