“Would you please forgive me?” A phrase included at the end of almost every apology in my marriage. Some of our close friends model it and give us their wisdom (for the health of our marriage). But what do you do when you are struggling to forgive your spouse?
First, it may be helpful to review what the Bible says about forgiveness. Forgiveness is the dismissal of the crime committed. It’s a decision not to keep the score… as a checkmate for the next discussion, choose not to save this cheating in your back pocket. It is recognized that no one in this world is perfect except for Jesus Christ, but by knowing, trusting and obeying him, we forgive our flaws when we bring them before him (Colossians 1:13-14).
Second, forgiveness between humans indicates the repeated forgiveness we have received. The act of forgiveness of others can lead to connection, restoration, and unity as God intended (Ephesians 4:32). As we grow together as a couple, we have the opportunity to constantly develop connections and unity with the Father through our son Jesus.
My husband Perry and I have been married for three years, and what I noticed when we got caught up in the discussion is that there is a sense of tension between us. This tension is a clear reminder of three things we have to do. We recognize that one or both of us are injured, we recognize the need to apologise for our misconduct, and ask each other for forgiveness.
Model Jesus’ love – grab your cross for those you love – is something that both parties within a conflict must pursue. One party apologises, and the other party chooses to forgive. Often Perry can step quickly to resolve tensions, but I can sometimes have a hard time forgiveing him.
“I swear to serve first, apologize first, and forgive first.” This is a line from our wedding vows. I remember the words we together declared in front of God and our closest family and friends in the moment I struggled to forgive Perry. When you are struggling to forgive your spouse, there are three things I would like to encourage you to consider.
What to do when you’re struggling to forgive your spouse*
*Please note that these suggestions do not necessarily explain the harm or unrepentant sin caused by any kind of emotional, physical or mental abuse. Seek wise advice or professional help on these cases.
1. Pray for your own heart and marriage.
Often, when I struggle to forgive, I believe the lie that Perry cannot hurt me as much, or that God needs to change his mind. This story playing in my head does not lead to a connection in our marriage, but instead I see the spots of Perry’s eye, rather than first seeing the logs of my own eyes (Matthew 7:3).
Bring it to Jesus for comfort and direction before bringing conflict to trustworthy friends and family. I take a step back and take a deep breath, invite the Holy Spirit, listen, and I can see that the heat of discussion has controlled my emotions.
2. Find a friend you can trust.
We are not going to marry alone. Jesus lives in the community and can provide both married and single friends with clever ears to listen to for you to process. In the Bible, we learn about two friends, David and Jonathan. We learn about their souls “woven together” (1 Samuel 18:1-4). In friendship, like David and Jonathan, bonds are built with trust, integrity and love. Friendship built on vulnerability and self-sacrifice is something that you can hear the hard truth, but you also know the depth of love that guidance comes.
Because the goal of finding a trustworthy friend is to lead you to forgiveness. When Perry and I got married, we decided to talk about a fight that we never talk negatively to each other with family and friends or that we didn’t talk about in the first place. This helped me not only work through conflicts before and after seeking trustworthy friends, but also to avoid avoiding each other in the process.
3. Remember your wedding day.
Whether your wedding vows included anything about apologies and forgiveness, you probably said something about swearing to stand with each other “until you die.” When you made that commitment to your spouse, you were committed to inviting them to see your sins, and vice versa. I like and dislike having Perry a mirror every day. God uses him to help me demonstrate my flaws and the need for Jesus. Remember God has united you for good and for growth. And his glory will help guide the most difficult struggles of life.
Forgiveness is difficult. It is layered and complicated, and it is not always easy to apologise for how to injure your spouse or provide forgiveness when you hurt your spouse. When you have a hard time remembering that Jesus takes His cross, forgives us our sins, and that you are looking to forgive your spouse, and that you see you to your man.
*Note: No one experiences intentional, malicious harm from a spouse. If you are experiencing an unrepentant sin in your relationship…
Forgiveness is not about removing others from the hook… we need the reparation we need and we need to demonstrate repentance. It may be necessary to introduce some boundaries to prevent sinful behavior from happening again. Intervention by a pastor, counselor, or mature friend may be necessary to help the problematic spouse understand that behavior is unacceptable and must change.
In certain circumstances, attempts to intervene may be insecure or effective. You don’t have to face this on your own. Feel free to seek the help of a Christian counselor.
Want to know more about forgiveness? Listen to today’s episode of this family life with seminary professor and author Jared Wilson.
Brookwilson is a content writer and editor for FamilyLife, which serves remotely in Greenville, South Carolina. She is married to her husband Perry and has a chocolate Labrador named Willow. Some of her favorites are photos, running and sipping on a warm chai latte across from her friend.
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