I remember leaving the hospital after the birth of our first child. Of course, I felt so much. My body was going through a lot, and all of my hormones weren’t banged. Mostly, I remember feeling terrified. I was worried that it would ruin it. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to take care of this baby. I cried at home the whole time. When we returned a few miles home, we didn’t know what was going on inside my husband’s mind.
But today I look back at this fear and realize it is unfounded. I put unhealthy pressure on myself to perfect it, but that approach is completely unrealistic. I can’t do everything “just right”, but I can make my daily central commitment to seeking God’s strength, directing my family towards Jesus, and praying every day for wisdom and goodwill. As moms, we all need God’s help in this way. It is important to remember that the call to “perfection” is, most importantly, a call to follow Christ.
Paul writes to the Philippians and encourages them to let go of everything except their commitment to Christ.
“Indeed, I count everything as losses, because it is worth more than knowing my Lord Jesus. …For him, I lost everything and counted it as garbage.
For Paul, this is perfect. But we can’t control it. This side of heaven, we really can’t achieve that. But we have to pursue it.
“But one thing I do” is, “I will “forget what’s behind me, forget about what’s behind me, and be nervous about what’s ahead, push towards the goal of God’s upward call award in Christ Jesus.”
This is a high call. In fact, it is the best calling – and it can feel very far from our everyday lives. But it is important to guide the smallest and most common decisions we make.
The call to pursue Jesus, in its own small way, extends to every decision we make when raising our children. It applies to how we wean our children and how to sleep, how and when we go to school, who they care for, what they eat, and whether we move as a family for new jobs and educational opportunities. The spirit of love, obedience, faithfulness, and peace raises our children through all the decisions we make for them, if we chase Jesus first.
When making these decisions, we cannot rely on our own sense of what is “right” or “perfect.” We have to give up on that. We must ask Him what He thinks is right for us, and listen to Him at every stage of the road. Secular perfection is not the goal. Your goal is to follow Jesus’ will for your family. There is a manual on how to raise your child: it is the Bible.
This attitude can be difficult to maintain if it is a big decision like how to school your child or where to register them. I know this particular question is at the forefront of many mommy’s minds as the grade is ready to launch again. And the way we understand is to maintain a regular connection with Jesus.
It’s very normal to wonder if we’re doing the right thing. I think the other moms are doing better. Or you can decide that you are doing something you think is “bad.” In fact, we cannot really know what God wants from their families. We can pray and identify what is right for our family. And you only know if you let go of trying to be “perfect.”
Of course, it takes a lot of humility to let go of being perfect. We must admit that we were often wrong. We must let go of the vision we had about ourselves, our lives, or our abilities. And who loves to admit that they were wrong? Not me! But the more I do it, the easier it is to get it.
I also discovered a way to “reset” the whole family when I feel that course corrections are necessary. One of the most important things you can do to help your family change direction is to get closer to Jesus – establishing a clear, loving, and consistent culture of communication. For example, I gave my daughter a smartphone when she turned 13. After that I read Jonathan Height’s “Anxiety Generation” and learned some plain statistics about what smartphones do to children. Smartphone use in early teens can have dramatic and negative side effects on emotional and cognitive development. So I changed direction.
The young son, who turned 13 this fall, will not call until he is older. He’s irritated. But we explained our position. We’ve heard him. We did everything we could to make sure he felt respected and loved, despite the fact that we had to change our minds. It didn’t have to be perfect. We had to be honest, loving and paying attention to what was best for his development. Another exercise to help your family pivot together is the overall “reset”. We discovered that our family will do this earlier this year and in the fall.
I look back at the development of a child. What responsibilities and privileges should be extended? Are they thriving in their schools? If not, what are our options to improve the situation? Do you need to teach them or discuss them for this season of their lives? If you adapt to the cornerstone of your family’s culture and communication, you will build resilient relationships with resilient children. So spend some time this summer trying to figure out your family’s needs.
Maybe there’s one child who needs to change schools. Maybe you’re homeschooling and need to look into a new curriculum or another cooperative. As long as last year isn’t a great year, it’s fine. As long as you don’t say it’s “right” then it’s fine. The hope is that we go and learn and take the best next step as a result. When you make a mistake and give you grace and a second chance, God is right next to you. He doesn’t want perfection, he wants you to turn your family to him every day – no matter how it looks.
Our Father, God, help us to surrender to your will more perfectly every day. Help us love and guide our children and our families, not ourselves, with the light of your wisdom. To love and pursue you perfectly, give us the grace and strength we need every day to free ourselves from all our broken perfection.
Photo Credit: ©gettyimages/quiqueimages
Amy Lowe is the director of Winsharp Camp for Girls and oversees Winsharp Camp for the Family. She holds a Bachelor of Science in Business Administration from Samford University and a Master of Arts in Theology from Fuller Theological Seminary. Like most other moms, her hobbies include laundry, driving a robot vacuum, and unloading a dishwasher.
