One of my biggest needs is to be a mother. I want to raise my family, raise small things, make a mistake, teach them, and help God become the person who created them. The only problem is that God did not promise a child.
When my husband and I started a journey to grow my family, we were convinced that it would happen soon. After all, how difficult it is? It was more than three years ago, and the pregnancy test is not yet once.
For each announcement of a new pregnancy from a friend or acquaintance, I had to work on the idea that my life should be mine. I felt like I was constantly repenting and always telling my dreams and desires to regain them in the next breath.
When a couple, who had been married for a shorter than trying to announce that we were expecting, announced that they were expecting, it felt like my heart was shattered. I cried on the living room floor and shouted to God. I asked him why we were not worthwhile, what we needed to work on, and why he gave me this desire he put in my heart. I asked him to come with me, but I felt lonely.
Crisis of religion
It is the season when many couples face the PR for PR PR, or others have to inform others that they have lost their children. We do not talk about it in society or church. But why not?
When I walked in the longest and darkest valley in my life, I had an incredible religion crisis. I cried on the kitchen floor and begged the answer and the existence of the Lord, but I felt completely lonely.
I read his words and tried to understand how he was working. I worshiped when I only wanted to do it. I lamented deeply and honestly. I prayed for guidance, peace, comfort, strength, change in mind, and other things that you can think. I offered a quiet prayer, “Lord, Lord.” The tears flowed to my face in the church, so I couldn’t do anything else.
It is a painful place. I am still there because all infertility journey does not have the ending we want. Not all stories are wrapped properly.
So, if you’re experiencing this, you know you’re not alone, even if you’ve just started this journey or walking in this dark valley for years. I see you and your pain, and so on.
For almost a year, we have kept this secret from most of our friends and family. I didn’t want to deal with PR search -like questions or unknown opinions on how I could get pregnant. However, the secret, which began as a form of protection, is isolated and is a cage, isolated from us.
My husband and I decided to ask the most trusted people to participate in prayer. And like that, we felt that we were a little alone. At the mark of two and a half years, we decided to publish more. Again, I felt that I was a little alone during this walk.
That is not to say that this community completely loved us. As we mentioned, we have been in this season for more than three years. There was a time when a friend and family reached out every week, when he was most needed, when he hadn’t heard anything. We had a beautiful moment of the Lord, who talked about encouragement through incredibly painful times, as anyone was hurt or negative.
However, this community pointed out God to me just wanted to escape. They led me to hope when my sadness felt like swallowing. Even the moment when my mobile phone is silent, my living room is empty, I have tears, and this crater looks like a crater of my heart.
You may feel lonely with the presentation of social media, the barrage of a baby shower, and bump trackers. If someone pushes the wound unconsciously in that comment, you may feel sad. When you are alone in your thoughts, you may feel isolated, and ultimately you will cry and release all the sadness you have. But you are not. God has you.
He meets us in our sadness
John 11:35 says, “Jesus cried.” It is the shortest poem of the Bible, in a sense, one of the deepest ones. Immediately before the Solar, Jesus arrived at Mary’s Mary Village after hearing about his brother’s Lazarus illness. When he arrived there, Lazaro was already dead. Mary and Martha both say to him, “Lord, if you were here, my brothers would not have died.” Please read the complete story of John 11. And what do he do? He cry.
Why does he cry when he knows that Lazaro is not dead? Or when he already knew his friend’s death? Why did you cry when you have a lot of hope and joy? He may have been able to start with “Razaro, came out”, but instead chose to shed tears.
I think he cried because he was sad. This big and terrible thing happened, which hurt his heart. He felt deeply because he had sympathy and witnessed Mary, Martha, and many other people during this loss.
We don’t really know why Jesus never cried. But I am grateful for what he did. One moment reminds me that I don’t need words. No explanation or declaration is required. They just stand together and are sad.
It’s very easy to skip to the end. Fast forward and go to the right to the happy part. But life doesn’t work like that, and Jesus is not.
God has not promised a child, but he promised to redeem my struggle and pain (see Genesis 3:15, Roman 8:17-18). I may have to let go of this dream, but he promised to work for my good (Letter 8: 28-29). And it is to believe in the moment when all hope is lost, he has not yet disappointed.
Create a space for healing
The best advice I received during a very dark time was to “feel” what I feel. Healing will come later.
So feel all your emotions. God can handle it. But we will talk to the people you trust. Let’s put in people.
According to recent reports, one in six has dealt with infertility and one in four is miscarriage. Nevertheless, few people come out and share their stories.
So please come with each other. We support each other. Create a space for this sadness to be released. Yes, we need God. But a community is needed to survive the dark age. We need to get close to others who may have another experience or perspective they want God to speak.
If you are one in six, my heart will be directed to you. I pray that the Lord heals and moves the RED mountain.
Copyright © 2024 by FamilyLife. Unauthorized reproduction is prohibited.
Lauren Sanders is a Familylife digital marketing manager in the World Headquarters of Orlando CRU. She is married to her husband, Benjamin, and has a dog called Azura. She is from Florida and enjoys reading, baking and time with friends and family.
