Where did I go wrong?
Have you ever thought so? Yes, unfortunately so did I. Truth be told, as a mother, my mind was wondering all over the place and dabbling in some pretty dangerous mental territory. But have you ever wondered what causes these dirty thought patterns?Obviously, our first reaction might be that the enemy is just trying to play a trick on us and steal the joy of motherhood. Indeed, it cannot be ignored. But what if we told you that there is more to it than that?
The brutal truth is that our role in these destructive mental exercises cannot be underestimated either. If we really want to know where these thoughts commonly originate, we need to look within ourselves. This may not come as a surprise (and you probably already know this), but our need for approval as mothers is usually characterized by how our children “make” us feel. In other words, we often seek acceptance of our beloved little child as a measuring stick. As you can imagine, that yardstick also influences (and triggers) our mommy brains.
It’s all performance-based too, often dependent on the child’s whimsical responses and balance of reactions, growing and deflating with each loving or not-so-loving gesture offered to us. How does this work? Well, unexpected hugs, precious and meaningful chats, and witnessing your child grow in their faith mean you’re a “good mom,” and it awakens and magnifies your inner admiration. But on the other hand, throwing a full-blown tantrum, giving cutting, sarcastic retorts, and feeling helpless as your child moves away from the faith is the equivalent of being a “bad mother” and causes hurt feelings, shame, and loss of confidence.
All these actions create a perfect storm for a vicious cycle of events. Our need for approval provokes positive or negative reactions from our little loved ones, which in turn fuels our minds with affirming or destructive lies.
Well, my friend, it might be time to put away the measuring stick for good. Because, let’s be honest, if we don’t confront this beast of validation that we so deeply crave, we will eventually lose not only our children, but our precious relationship with our faithful father.
Why seek validation?
Ah, validation! Why do we seek it so much in this motherhood journey? After all, receiving it is a fleeting sense of accomplishment, but clumsily trying to chase it can bring great pain and cripple us.
As Christians (I might just add) we are not exempt from seeking validation from others, especially children. We may know deep down that our identity is in Christ and that His approval is all that matters, but the innate desire to feel like a “good mom” is always creeping in.
We want to know that our investment in the lives of the little people we love means something. This is our sole purpose and mission. Motherhood is not a journey, it is a service. And as dutiful mothers, we sincerely want to make it meaningful and know that all the heart and soul we pour into each day will bring rewards that proclaim, “Mom, you’re doing a good job!”
After all, we admire the women of Proverbs 31 and aspire to be like all the matriarchs we read in the Bible who demonstrate such faith, perseverance, courage, and determination. We want to be seen as women who are highly favored not only by our children and others, but also by God. So we do our best to raise arrows and shoot them into the world, desperately praying that they will risk their lives to glorify God and grow God’s kingdom.
Then life happens. And sometimes that arrow doesn’t fire or the fragments come back. Sometimes they target others or pierce themselves violently with revenge. It’s easy to get caught up in that hurt and pain, and as all the thoughts that consume your mind shift, you lose track of who you are as a mother, and end up asking the ultimate question, “Where did I go wrong?”
And we find ourselves right back where we started, seeking validation that we did the right thing. We seek validation because we don’t want to be forced to answer questions that reveal our imperfections and dig into our troubling pasts. We long for recognition, especially from our children. Because we are faced with the harsh reality that we may never have been good enough mothers, but if we try hard enough to be mothers, our children will accept it and still love us.
Being imperfect and raising imperfect people
The truth is, we all have struggles along our journey. Everyone! And the bottom line is that despite our best efforts, we all never get the approval we truly desire from our children (or spouses, parents, or friends). That’s because we raise imperfect people imperfectly, which makes it all the more necessary to rely on a perfect Savior to lift us up and carry us through.
And because our God is so merciful and He knew that we needed examples of imperfect mothers, He provided several examples in the Bible for us to study and be informed by. Not to mention, there are also plenty of stories about their imperfect children. I would venture to say that many Bible-following mothers craved or sought approval from their children.
So let’s discover some. We begin with the infamous Proverbs 31 woman. This woman is held in high esteem by many and is held up as a “trustworthy” image as a faithful wife and loving mother. But, my friend, she is an illusion. That’s correct. she isn’t real. She gives us a great example to live by, but if she were real, we would probably face similar challenges. Between waking up at dusk to tend the fields, her morning shift must have included silencing restless (and argumentative) children and reprimanding energetic teenagers.
So, pick up your Bible and read about other real moms that God has shared with us through His Word. Take a moment to really look into their stories and read about their hardships, struggles, and perhaps a deep yearning for validation.
Naomi struggled with bitterness while seeking validation from her home community (Ruth 1:6-22).
Ruth had many hurts in the past because she was not validated by her family (Ruth 1:16-18).
Leah felt uneasy when she was invisible next to her sister Rachel (Genesis 29:17-20).
Like Hannah, Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel, Elizabeth struggled with infertility and often felt abandoned by God (Luke 1:7).
Mary even cringed after understanding how to raise the Son of God. Talk about feeling inadequate and longing for recognition. She was an imperfect mother raising a perfect human being. I can’t even imagine the complex emotions she must have had and the burden she placed on herself to be a “sufficient mother” for God Himself (Luke 1:26-38).
In each of these beautiful stories, we see where God met these mothers, extended His love, and gave them the validation they so desperately needed. Dear dear daughter, God will do the same for you!
Seek validation where it really matters
Trying to get the kids to approve of you backfires and you fail every time. I can assure you because I have lived that way for years and still have to take that cross down from time to time. So let us take our hearts that seek validation and our hearts that desperately need to hear the truth to our perfect Savior.
1. Acknowledge the areas in which you want to be acknowledged as a mother. Do you want to feel good enough? Are you struggling with past hurts? Feeling helpless about your future? Label it, own it, and tell the truth about it.
2. Declare these truths in your heart and give your mind a different story to win.
God is pleased with me (Psalm 37:23)!
God lives in and through me (1 John 4:16).
God has provided for me (2 Peter 1:3)!
God is perfect in my weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12:9)!
God is for me (Romans 8:31)!
3. Walk in the truth and grace that God sees you and will free you from the traps of validation. Be intentional. When you find yourself having destructive thoughts or your child does something that excites you, take a deep breath and look up. Let God remind you that the only validation you need is His.
A prayer to encourage you now!
Lord, I humbly come before You and ask for guidance to direct my mind to more constructive thoughts that emanate Your glorious truth. Let me remind myself of these truths when I crave approval and want to feel accepted as a mother. The truth is, I really want to be a good mother, and above all I want to please you. I want you to find favor in me as your daughter, and to know that I will do the best I can and faithfully raise the children you have so kindly entrusted to me. But honestly, when my kids fail, I feel like I’ve failed, they’ve failed, and so have you. And I realized that when they leave you, I leave you too. Oh God, please draw near to us both. When I seek approval from my children or others, please fill in the gaps and forgive me. I don’t want to put this burden on them to meet a need they don’t realize they have. That’s not fair. That’s not correct. I want to set an example that when we are not enough, you are enough. God, I pray that You would intervene and give me the power to change my heart and redeem my heart just by Your approval. We want to show our children that our imperfections are the shining light of your beautiful perfection. Amen.
Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Kyryl Gorlov
Alicia Searle is a dedicated author, blogger, and speaker who is passionate about pouring out her heart and leading women of all ages to Jesus. She has an academic background and holds a master’s degree in reading and writing. Her loved ones call her Mama. So much of her time is spent cheering them on at softball games and dance classes. She’s married to her crush (a tall, spiky-haired blonde) who can make a mean latte. She writes her heart on the page while sipping on the deliciousness as the puppy licks her paws. Visit her website aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.
