I was the woman who sat on her plush couch, a tissue in one hand and a cup of hot green tea in the other, and told a mental health professional, “I don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve lost myself.”
My identity crisis was caused by postpartum depression. As a new mom to a 4-week-old baby boy, I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and loneliness, even as I felt a newfound joy and value in loving my crumpled little blessing. By the grace of God, these heavy emotions were easily identified as chemical and hormonal imbalances and treatable with therapy and medication.
But when we lose ourselves in love with difficult people, a diagnosis often goes undiagnosed because no scientific resource can solve the problem. Of course, this is not to downplay postpartum depression. This is a deep, dark hole. I pray that I will never have to endure it again. But things get tricky when the other person is not an innocent creature, but a well-meaning adult who chooses to treat you in a disrespectful manner.
Prescriptions don’t spell out how to navigate these relationships, and healing involves multiple parties that cannot be controlled by swaddles and pacifiers.
So how can we love difficult people without losing ourselves? And how can you incorporate your own healing into this Valentine’s Day season to find more joy?
1. Identify space for personal growth
One of my favorite things about my husband is his calm and respectful demeanor, where he plays devil’s advocate. Even when he fully believes I’m right in a relationship dilemma, he tries to see the other person’s perspective and share the ways I’ve hurt, offended, or ignored the other person.
In fact, this has nothing to do with relationships where one party is maliciously abusive. Still, if relationships among family, friends, or colleagues are simply difficult or awkward, it never hurts to do some self-reflection.
This will help you develop humility and identify areas for growth. On the other hand, when you are searching for yourself, anger can no longer control the situation. The body cannot respond to heightened emotions. After all, it’s much harder to feel angry or frustrated with someone when you understand that you may be at fault too. Humility leaves less room for criticism and more room for self-actualization.
I often think of this as conscientiously forgiving someone who has hurt me. Of course, I forgive them because I am called to do so, but in that call I realized that forgiving the offender was God’s way of freeing me from the pain they had caused. It works the same way here.
While it is easy to identify and resolve tensions and tensions in a relationship, especially when there are no personal disagreements, recognizing that you may not be your best self in the relationship gives you the freedom to grow as a believer.
It’s not about giving someone an out or a free pass when they wrong you. It’s about using situations that hurt you to grow as a person. As we grow in the fruit of the Spirit, we always come to a more accurate understanding of our purpose and identity. When unhealthy people come and go, you don’t lose yourself and discover more of who God created you to be.
2. Plan your capabilities
Things get even more complicated when this troublesome person is a parent, sibling, or family friend you are forced to interact with on a regular basis. By default, love is tested. At this time, it is important to plan your abilities.
Notice how long your patience lasts while you’re around them. Recognize conversation topics that always end in awkwardness or arguments. These pieces of information naturally create boundaries to protect the already delicate relationships they feel they need to maintain.
There are several people in the Garland family that we need to interact with, but we feel like they are constantly ignoring us. Relationships with these people often feel like a one-way street. Therefore, being around them feels like a hassle and like an uphill battle.
So, to help us not lose sight of ourselves and, let’s be honest, our witnesses, we developed a code phrase. This is an easy way to fit into any type of conversation and let the other person know that they only have a few minutes left in their patience.
From here, move the conversation in the direction of needing to leave immediately. This way no one gets offended or starts an argument, but my husband and I have protected ourselves from losing patience and acting out of character.
If you don’t recognize your abilities and establish boundaries, you’ll naturally expose yourself to situations where your physicality will come out. Therefore, it is easy to get lost in habitual anger, resentment, and resentment.
3. Choosing and creating joy
As a heartbroken young college girl and even as a mother battling postpartum depression, I had to remind myself that no one else can create and maintain joy in my heart. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit and a quality we must strive to cultivate in our hearts. In John 15:16 Jesus said, “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should abide.”
Therefore, joy is not just a choice, but also a practice. It requires our participation.
This might look like attending a new Bible study, investing more time in Healthy Leaders, and finding fun and meaningful ways to express our love and gratitude to those who come for us in Healthy Seasons. This may mean leaving an abusive and toxic relationship and throwing yourself into finding a new, healthy one.
Remember, the first gift God gave to Adam was Eve. God recognized Adam’s loneliness and did not want him to live alone: ”The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for a man to be alone; I will make him a helper worthy of him'” (Genesis 2:18).
We are no exception. We need others in our lives who give us life, encourage us, respect us and encourage us to grow, but also support and love us when we are not at our best. God created these people for us. These relationships are out there, and we must do our part to establish, invest in, and sustain them to the best of our ability.
May God add wonderful people to your life as you pursue the joyful gifts of the Spirit.
Find yourself this Valentine’s Day
In today’s culture, “self-discovery” is almost always rooted in moral relativism, the idea that you will find your purpose by doing what you feel is best for you. But fulfillment was never meant to be an inward, isolated gift. It was supposed to be bigger than you. Created to share.
In this way, when we devote ourselves to personal growth in Christ, we can find ourselves, keep ourselves, and even return to ourselves. By doing this, we strengthen our humility, protect our hearts from unhealthy things, and discover that joy is a beautiful gift that we can share with others every day.
This Valentine’s Day, if you’ve lost yourself, know that God hasn’t lost you. He didn’t misjudge your value or accidentally trash your purpose. God is just waiting to be your shield, your glory, the one who lifts up your head (Psalm 3:3), the one who protects your peace, protects your heart, and blesses you with rich, godly relationships.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Photo credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/fizkes
Peyton Garland is a writer, editor, and mom of a boy who lives in the beautiful foothills of East Tennessee. For more encouragement, subscribe to her blog Uncured+OK.
