When I look back on the past few years of raising my child, many things come to mind. You will see what you did well and what you should have done better. I see a person who is growing and evolving into the person he is today, a mixture of weakness, determination, hard work, immaturity, and a sinful heart.
When I look at pictures of myself holding babies, I look very little like myself now. Of course, there are physical differences as well. Now I have gray hair, wrinkles, and a few pounds I didn’t have in my 20s and 30s. But there’s something different. When I look at pictures of myself when I was younger, it reminds me of how I thought and behaved, but sometimes I don’t really like being reminded of what was in my heart. We also see young women who are very sincere and yet in some ways genuinely wrong. I am grateful that God has decided to use me and my husband in our children’s lives despite our weaknesses, but most of all I am grateful for what He has taught me over the years, how He has changed me, and for His patience and grace that He has poured out on me every day.
We enter our parenting journey with fears, desires, and goals. The constant thoughts in our head can overwhelm us: what we want to achieve, what we don’t want to do, what our parents did or didn’t do. What I learned is that if we truly want to be the parents God wants us to be, we have to get to a point where we know the following truth:
We have our parents’ DNA.
You don’t just need their physical DNA, you need their spiritual DNA as well. Our culture encourages us to blame our parents for weaknesses in our lives. This means that if you yell at your children, throw a tantrum, or have a sinful reaction, you may blame your response on your parents. After all, they weren’t great examples, right? They may not have always set a good example, but we need to understand that we have the same sinful impulses within us that our parents had. It goes back even further than their existence. It goes back to the moment when humans decided to disobey God and sin entered the world.
“So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and a tree from which one may be wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she gave some to her husband who was with her, and he also ate.” Genesis 3:6
“Therefore, just as by one man sin entered the world, and by sin brought death, so death spread to all men, because all sinned.” Romans 5:12
“Behold, I was born in iniquity, and in sin my mother conceived me.” Psalm 51:5
Our parents’ temper and lack of patience came from sinful hearts that did not rely on God to respond graciously, and so do we. If we are followers of Jesus, we have everything we need for life and godliness. We are given everything we need to control our anger and impatience, but we must choose to access it. And when we fail, we fail because we choose to give in to our own sinful reactions instead of responding in a Christ-like way.
“The divine power of God has given us everything we need for life and godliness through the knowledge of him who called us by his glory and goodness.” 2 Peter 1:3
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Mladen Zivkovic
Related content:
What is intergenerational trauma? Is it in the Bible?
Powerful prayers to break generational curses
Our parents weren’t “extreme.”
When we evaluate our parents’ parenting, we may conclude that they were extreme in some way: too lenient or too strict. We think, “I would be different! I would be balanced.”
Our parents set out on their parenting journey with their own aspirations and goals. They had their own issues, histories, and experiences that they were scrutinizing. They were learning and growing while raising their children, just as we learn and grow while raising our own children. They were who we are, with the character God gave us and the weaknesses they struggle with, just as we are with the character God gave us and the weaknesses we struggle with. The measure of what we do or don’t do should always be God and His Word, not imperfect humans themselves in the process of lifelong growth. We are not called to balance. We are called to be like Christ.
“Therefore, as beloved children, be imitators of God, walking in love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself for us, becoming a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” Ephesians 5:12
“To put off the old self, which belonged to a former way of life and was corrupted by deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of the heart, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.” Ephesians 4:22-24
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2
We need to learn to see our parents through the eyes of grace.
Photo credit: © Getty Images/Lee Edwards
We need to learn to see our parents through the eyes of grace, just as we want our children to see us through the eyes of grace. We tend to focus on the imperfections of our parents. The truth is, no matter how hard you try, you will never be a perfect parent. I would venture to say that over time we will see many of our parents’ personalities and traits manifest in our own lives in one way or another. Why can’t we see their features? We are their children. Just as we watch young children grow up and see traits similar to ourselves, so too did our parents see them in us while we were growing up.
Can we choose to see the good in them and thank God for it? Can we be reminded of our sinfulness and be reminded that we are sinful too?
Sure, we may parent differently than they do, but that will only happen if we trust in God to grow and mature. Then you will see that it is not about how good we are, but how good and merciful God is, because He helps us fight the sin that is present in all of us.
“If you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the evil deeds of the body, you will live.” Romans 8:12-13
“You are sanctified and justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” 1 Corinthians 6:11
“In moments of temptation, the Holy Spirit graciously provides a way of escape.” 1 Corinthians 10:13
“The Holy Spirit must work in our hearts to make us want to repent and lead us to Christ.” Colossians 2:13, John 6:44
When my children grow up…
Photo credit: GettyImages/imtmphoto
When our children grow up, we will look back and see how we have let them down and how our weaknesses have affected them. It’s tempting to feel like we’re failing as parents. Let’s encourage each other! Despite our weaknesses, God uses us and works through us. And God will continue to work in us and in our children. By taking responsibility for ourselves, we can help our children take responsibility for their own flaws and failures. Letting them know that we are growing and learning and apologizing for missing the point allows them to see us as people who are growing and learning. When we raise our children, we cooperate with God. God uses broken vessels, but in the end He does His work and accomplishes His purpose. We can’t do that.
“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this overwhelming power is not ours but God’s.” 2 Corinthians 4:7
“For God is working in you to will and work for his good pleasure.” Philippians 2:13
Everyone is a mess! Understanding this helps us parent with humility rather than pride. A heart that knows the sins it can commit is a heart that can see others through the eyes of grace. A mind that blames parents for its own weaknesses and sins is a mind that is always focused on others, and thus a mind that uses fear and pride as its motive when raising children.
Satan wants us to focus on our parents’ weaknesses.
Satan wants us to focus on our parents’ weaknesses and see them as irredeemable. God wants to use everything we can dig up to remind our minds of anything that might cause us to focus on the shortcomings of others, to distract us from the only one who can make a real difference in our lives and the lives of our children. God wants us to be brainwashed into the lies of our culture that our parents are responsible for everything that is wrong in our lives, and He wants to drown out the truth in His Word. He wants to tear the family apart in any way he can.
Of course, there are situations where people are being abused in some way. The effects are far-reaching and can continue to reverberate for years as we raise our own children. If this is your experience, it doesn’t have to be your child’s experience. You know how that affected you. You know the pain you have because of it, and God is greater than anything you’ve been through. God can take even your worst experiences and redeem them. As we immerse ourselves in God’s Word, get to know our Heavenly Father, and cry out to Him for His help, we can experience slow healing and learn to imitate God the Father, the only perfect parent.
God is faithful!
When I look back on the years when I was raising my children, I remember moments when I focused on the imperfections of my parents, and the pride and fear that overwhelmed me in those moments. But praise God. I also remember that turning point when God opened my eyes, placed his hand on my chin, and gently turned my face toward Him. At that time, I finally got to know the Lord better and His character began to flow within me. It broke the chains of pride and fear, brought into focus the distorted view I had of my parents, and allowed me to see them through the eyes of grace. God patiently helped me understand what was in my heart and continued His lifelong work of conforming me to the image of His Son.
And God will do the same for you.
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/AleksandarNakic
Gina Smith is a wife of 37 years, mother of two, and grandmother of three. She is a writer and author, and wrote her first published book during the empty nest years. She has a passion for working with young people, encouraging them, strengthening them in God, and learning from them. Gina can be found on her website www.ginalsmith.com and her book Everyday Prayers for Joy can be found wherever books are sold.
