. . . Plus, 8 ways to build emotional safety in your relationships.
For some, the idea of emotional security in marriage conjures up interesting images. They look like a squishy couple wearing fringe and beads, sitting on cotton-candy pink clouds and singing, “This is a safe space.”
But does emotional security in a relationship really make or break a marriage? Is it worth the hype?
The Gottman Institute calls emotional safety in marriage “one of the most important aspects of a satisfying connection in a loving relationship. We need to feel safe before we become vulnerable.”
The truth is, our bodies and brains automatically assess the overall risk of situations and people and adjust accordingly. We instinctively know when we belong and can be authentic, or when it’s wiser to put up walls of emotional distance.
“It’s like being loved by God.”
When my husband and I got married, I was many pounds lighter. And it wasn’t just because I had four kids. I was staring at the edge of anorexia.
My diet was carefully constructed and I had strict rules for everything I ate, so in addition to religious exercise, I was consuming about 1,200 calories per day. I was just beginning to recognize the deep dysfunction underlying my stubborn control over the opinions of others and the impact it was having on my relationship with God.
Thankfully, I married a man who took off his people-pleasing overachiever mask and repeatedly assured me that he loved me more. He claimed to like my nerdy, clumsy, overly enthusiastic, and highly accomplished self.
My husband, who is in a spiritually secure marriage, has shown me a side of Jesus that I haven’t yet experienced. And it’s been a huge change for my body, mind, heart, and our relationship.
Emotional safety in marriage = no shame in being naked
When my husband suggested etching Genesis 2:25 on the inside of our wedding rings, my eyes went wide and round. “And both the man and his wife were naked, and they were not ashamed.”
Is the inside of the ring “naked”? Really?
But he understood something I didn’t. “Naked” and “unashamed” were physical expressions of being fully known and fully loved. Being naked, exposing everything, means nothing is hidden or concealed.
Psychological security, whether in marriage or anywhere else, is a lot like being loved by God, points out author Timothy Keller. Nothing is hidden from God (Hebrews 4:13). Our messy, weak, broken, sinful selves are on full display, which makes God even more inclined (Romans 5:8).
See also: God was literally born in a barn to reach out to us when we were far away and in shame. His tragic death reopened our intimate and total connection (Matthew 27:50-51, Ephesians 2:13, Colossians 1:20-22). We now no longer need to act, placate, or pretend (Hebrews 10:22).
Keller points out that no one wants to be completely known and not loved, or completely loved and not known. Without nakedness and shame, there is no “one flesh” that is God’s plan and desire for marriage. Husband and wife are perfectly unified in their differences, which God has perfectly engineered.
A marriage that is totally “naked and unashamed” (Genesis 2:25), intimate and soul-baring, turns the world upside down.
But marriages like this don’t just happen. It is built.
And in addition to a one-hearted bond, emotional security in a marriage can measure the tenacity, openness, and trustworthiness of your relationship. Additionally, safer marriages allow you to depend on each other and work together as a stronger team, which allows you to be more creative and risk-free.
If your relationship is deteriorating in one or more of these aspects, a lack of emotional security in your marriage may be to blame. Let’s start here.
8 Steps to Emotional Safety in Marriage
→Abandon defense.
Being in an emotionally safe place allows you to remain open about what you say, even if you would rather have the mole removed.
Emotional safety in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to agree. It involves two things: boundaries and truth-telling. It means taking ownership of what is yours, the log that is in your sight (Matthew 7:5).
And that means listening to what someone is saying rather than dwelling on how it is being said. Just this morning, when my husband and I worked through a conflict, we separately said, “I’m on your team.” This repetition reminds us both that it is us, not each other, who are against the world.
→ We take off our masks and welcome each other into our junk—and what is really going on in our lives.
Judgment begets judgment. If I feel like someone is criticizing me, especially if they don’t have decency…I want to criticize right back. (Not great quality.)
But vulnerability begets vulnerability. If there’s a knock on your front door while you’re in your pajamas, and your living room looks like someone turned it upside down and shook it, you already know which friends you’d feel comfortable with. Perhaps those friends are also satisfied with their dirty selves.
My husband helped me with my poor eating habits, took off my mask, and spoke openly about my sins and weaknesses.
→ Avoid common answers.
False Bible verses and cookie-cutter Christian answers can leave us feeling a little raw and a little irritated when processing heavy emotions like anger, sadness, and fear. Unfortunately, it is not impossible to become spiritually insensitive.
“God has a plan. We need to trust God.”
“Faith over fear. Let go and let God!”
“I’m praying for you” (as a polite way to end the conversation).
The offensiveness of clichés lies in their content. “The problem is plug and play.” Choose what has been used in other people’s problems and apply it to your problem. Not listening to your heart and what you need, but wanting to solve it.
Often when we share our hearts, in that sacred place, we are not asking for solutions, but for help carrying burdens that are too big for our shoulders. The letter to the Galatians resonates here. “Bear one another’s burdens, so that we may fulfill the law of Christ” (6:1). The burden is messy, self-sacrificing, and unconventional. Because Job was suffering, Job’s friends sat with him in silence for seven days and seven nights, doing their best before speaking.
Sometimes I rush to put aside my ambivalence and hard work seeking God instead of bringing my sadness, doubts, anger, and fear into worship.
But Jesus knew all the truth as he knelt in the dirt of Gethsemane. He knew that God would raise him up (Mark 9:31). But he needed to grieve, cry out, and commune with God in great pain.
A secure person will stop and absorb some of the weight, rather than jumping to a comeback.
→ If someone discloses something vulnerable, we wait before responding.
I’m often surprised at what my introverted husband says silently. Emotional safety in a relationship includes being quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger (James 1:19).
These few seconds of space also help us reject knee-jerk reactions from our stories. Your wife says, “I’m not a fan of that restaurant” ≠ “You’re a failure.” Even if your past screams, it probably will.
→ Create space on your calendar and prioritize time to connect habitually.
The right to be welcomed into someone’s most vulnerable position is earned by spending quality time with them. A meaningful gesture. Your own vulnerability. Intimacy comes through something other than the hustle and bustle, like laughing while cleaning up dinner or spending a few minutes without your device in your hands.
Intimacy and presence aren’t something that turns on and off like a faucet that says, “I’m here! Reveal your deepest secrets! Tick-tock!”
We prioritize space and habits for brushing our teeth before work and picking up our kids from school. Relational priorities should also be included in the list. Maybe have a cup of decaf coffee together or enjoy an after-dinner walk. Or spend some time unpacking for the day before watching Netflix.
Remember: If your marriage is not moving towards unity, it is moving towards isolation.
→ Increased emotional curiosity.
My husband fosters emotional security in our marriage by providing a home for me to unpack and gently guiding me there.
Ask gentle, respectful questions that will help you isolate the real issue that is conflicting with your spouse.
What was that like? Is there any other reason for __? What are you afraid of happening? What do you most want to protect or avoid? That sounds difficult. How do you think God wants you to respond? What do you want to do? What do you think is needed? I hear that ___ is very important to you. Do you think it has become too important? What can I say? What do you want that person to understand?
A good listener has the power to help you walk away with deeper knowledge about yourself.
→ Listen while reflecting.
Repeat what you think they’re saying: “Are you saying that…” “So I hear you saying…” “Do I understand you?” “Is that what you mean?”
→ I will try to eliminate shame.
The Bible speaks of confession that leads to healing (James 5:16), sharing of burdens, and restoration (Galatians 6:1-2). You and your spouse can and should commit to talking to each other about the issue of sin. But let go of contempt, superiority, and disconnection.
Proper guilt is healthy, well-regulated, and leads to flourishing. But when we feel shame, we hide because we feel unworthy of connection. It can lead to blame, aggression, addiction, perfectionism, control, anxiety, superiority complexes, image management, etc.
God shows His love by bringing us closer together when we were unworthy enemies (Romans 5:8). And we must “accept one another as Christ accepted you, to the praise of God” (Romans 15:7 NIV).
(To be clear, accepting one another does not mean turning a blind eye to abuse, adultery, addiction, and other rampant unrepentant sins.)
committed marriage
Emotionally secure marriages have the potential to transform us at our deepest levels and bring us into the presence of God.
Our God, who “delights in the truth within” (Psalm 51:6), knows that “if we walk in the light, as God is in the light, we may have fellowship with one another.” It even has the effect of purifying our hearts as we become real about our sins (1 John 1:7, James 5:16).
Regarding the people on the road to Emmaus (Luke 24:13-15), Ruth Haley Burton writes:
They weren’t having formal quiet time. They were talking about their lives, all the things that had happened that had affected them spiritually and otherwise, and something about the nature and quality of their conversation gave Jesus room to approach. And the encounter that took place between them completely turned around and changed lives… It becomes a transforming community.
By paving the way for your whole being, not just two people, but three people connect transformatively.
What is your married life like? What will happen to your relationship?
Copyright © 2026 by Janel Breitenstein. All rights reserved.
Janel Breitenstein is an author, freelance writer, speaker, and regular contributor to FamilyLife. Her work has also been published in Focus on the Family and Christianity Today. After five years in East Africa, her family of six returned to Colorado where she continues to work with the poor with Engineering Ministries International. She is the author of Permanent Markers: Spiritual Life Skills to Write on Your Kids’ Hearts. “Save Us from Meltdowns: Other Real-Life Prayers for Parents” and the upcoming “How to Stop Screaming Down the Stairs: Stay Calm While Raising Children.” You can find her (“Awkward Mom”) having uncomfortable and important conversations at JanelBreitenstein.com and janelbreitenstein.substack.com.
