Pete was very worried. His wife, Daisy, hasn’t been able to be herself for the past few weeks. She didn’t talk much and seemed lost in thought. He couldn’t think of what he had done to make her angry, so he decided to poke her. “You hate me, Pete!” Daisy cried. “You talk to me like I’m a toddler who doesn’t know anything. You make fun of me in front of our kids. You don’t respect my opinion anymore. Why do you hate me so much?” Pete was eviscerated. He had no idea that he was hurting his wife by inappropriate communication. Sadly, Pete is not alone. Many spouses carry throbbing wounds caused by poor communication.
“I speak with the tongues of men and angels, but I have no love, so I am the sound of brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy and understand all mysteries and all knowledge and have all faith to be able to remove mountains, but without love I am nothing.” (1 Corinthians 13:1-2)
We may have the best intentions when communicating with our spouse. We may have noticed the weakness of clinging to them like a tick, the weakness of turning blue around the gills every time they raise their heads.
We want to help them overcome it and break it down into a fine powder. Because we think it’s our job to smooth out their rough edges. After all, isn’t two better than one? Isn’t it our job to pull them up when they stumble?
And while we may have good intentions, if the way we communicate leaves our spouse feeling demeaned and disrespected, we haven’t accomplished anything. We are just the sounding brass and the clanging cymbals. We make a sharp, pungent sound that makes our spouse want to duck for cover.
Without love, our words have no meaning or impact. Our spouses are not driven to step up or embrace change. On the contrary, they will retreat from us like a turtle entering its shell. They build invisible walls to keep us out.
Let’s cherish communication of love
Paul goes to great lengths to explain the nature of love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Love is long-suffering and tender. It does not envy, show off or exaggerate. It does not behave rudely, asks for itself and is not provoked. It considers no evil, and takes no pleasure in injustice; But rejoice in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. And the punchline is that love never fails!
Love, Paul explains, is an overwhelming force. The human heart is drawn to love like a fly around a lamp. Love attracts like a magnet. The lack of it is unpleasant for humans, young and old. When Love leaves the room, all the lights go out. God Himself used love to reorient the world to Himself. He loved the world so much that he gave his son (John 3:16). Without love there can be no reconciliation.
When communicating with your spouse, make sure that love is the most important factor. Make sure your words and actions are kind, respectful, and true. Don’t be rude or conceited. Let them know that you believe in them and do not disrespect them, even if you disagree with their opinion. Make them feel that you will never give up on them. Truth must always be spoken in love (Ephesians 4:15)).
add flavor to words
Words have power. When we were dating, I enjoyed sitting in coffee shops and listening to my fiancé talk. Of course, he mostly spouted nice, well-chosen words. They charmed me and before I knew it I was exchanging vows at the altar. Words can build up or tear down. The Bible itself is a collection of life-giving words. In marriage, our words breathe or suck life into our union. Paul is pleading with believers to stop speaking rashly.
“Make sure your speech is salty and graceful so you know how to answer each question. ” (Colossians 4:6)
No matter who you are talking to, your words should be chosen carefully. Whether you’re talking to a rebellious toddler, a delivery worker, a head of state, or a spouse. Even if you disagree with your spouse’s perspective or way of doing things, add flavor to your words. Sprinkle with salt and spices so that your words do not offend your partner. Make your spouse feel understood and valued.
Deal with the problem, not your spouse
Your spouse is a flawed human being just like you. But most? They mean it in a good way. They assume they are well-intentioned people and aim not to hurt or enrage you. It is always wise to keep that in mind when faced with conflict. Be sure to address the issue and avoid giving negative labels or blaming.
For example, if your spouse forgets your wedding anniversary, stop labeling him or her as unloving, careless, or thoughtless. Instead, say, “I felt unappreciated when you forgot our wedding anniversary.” That way, they will know that you still think highly of them despite their mistakes. Love does not easily condemn or judge others. I don’t give up on people easily.
listen actively
Let’s go back to the dating days when your spouse would get your attention every time they sneezed. You didn’t scroll or peek at your phone when talking to them, did you? You really wanted to hear their inner voice. Every sigh, gasp, wink, and word mattered. Guess after a few years, this is the type of communication your spouse not only craves, but deserves.
“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21).
Your mate will feel valued when you listen intently and try to understand their point of view. When you make eye contact, they feel valued and you are interested in their heart. They enjoy the verbal affirmations you sprinkle into your conversations. They notice when you put down your phone or turn off the TV to avoid distractions.
Even if you disagree with your spouse, treat them with the respect they deserve. Listen to them seriously and carefully.
Avoid having your mind read and making assumptions
This works in two ways. First, you may become angry and pout at your spouse’s behavior. But you think they are aware of their mistake, so you don’t bring it up with them. On the contrary, they may be going through their lives completely unaware of your dissatisfaction.
Second, you may interpret your spouse’s behavior differently without asking for an explanation. Therefore, you pass judgment on them without listening to them.
Effective communication is work. It can be tedious and take a considerable amount of time. But you can’t hope for that. We see God inviting sinful Israel to draw near to Him and reason with Him (Isaiah 1:18). God was ready for the conversation. Each party will be given sufficient time to present their case. There would be no assumptions.
Similarly, no matter how furious you are with your spouse, don’t try to guess their intentions or read their mind. Talk to them and let them explain their words and actions. When love is the most important element in our communication, conflict inadvertently leads to growth.
Photo credit: GettyImages/bernardbodo
Kellen is a freelance writer who mines the wisdom of God’s Word while examining parenting, marriage, and life issues. Learn more about her work in the Wisdom Trails newsletter.
