Chun was raised in a culture in which mothers decided to correct and control their parents. In her marriage, she manages parenting of two young children, but she feels lonely and isolates her in doing so. Her husband shared that when she corrected his parenting, he felt inadequate and embarrassed himself.
In Chun’s case, excessive control flows from her sense of failure and unloved by her mother. Criticism and control are how she dealt with pain throughout her childhood, and now causes problems in her marriage. Rather than reacting when she is dysregulated, she is learning to self-regulate. In other words, self-control is carried out. This is a great example.
Chun and her family recently went on a cruise where her husband surprised her with a massage. He made plans to take care of the children while she enjoyed the gift. While she was preparing to leave the massage room, she checked her phone and saw a message from the cruise line that read “Jane has been found.” Jane was her four year old daughter.
Soon, Chan panicked. She made her husband angry, scared and critical. But instead of pulling the trigger and going crazy, she managed to handle the pain and gained control of herself. When she met her husband, she greeted him by touching his arm and saying, “It must have been difficult.” In her old self, she would have approached him with anger and accusations. In her new self, she moved towards him, leading to his pain, and then she could hear what happened.
It completely turned the switch over in their marriage.
I’ll take charge of myself
In our book Mindful Marriage, we share how our old self is partly composed of the pain stories our brains have written about our lives. Rather than rooted in the story of God who pursues us through Christ with eternal love that declares our absolute value and safety, our stories of pain are incomplete on earth It is based on the relationship. Many of these relationships were affectionate and fulfilling in many ways, but still lacked perfection. Disappointment, fear, questions about our values and unloved feelings, and betrayed by those who matter most to us, creates pain that we remain sensitive throughout our lives .
At some point (even for some people or in childhood), we began to try and get rid of the pain. Our coping strategies solidified within our minds and bodies in the form of neurological tracts that our brains have come to prefer every time they are triggered. This pain cycle is activated whenever we feel a threat to our identity or safety, especially in intimate relationships such as marriage.
When a couple is at their best, they love and serve each other from their own best. But at worst, couples accidentally cause pain for each other, escalating the cycle of wounds, threats and responsiveness.
Previously, Chun dealt with the imperfections and the feeling of unloved control as a child. She ruled her husband through high expectations and criticism. But this time, when it seemed he missed Mark as his father, she had a choice. She could either stay in her own pattern of control or choose to control herself.
How do you respond when it is triggered? Find it out now.
The virtue of self-control
Are you familiar with Hulk? Behind the Green Giant is the gorgeous scientist Bruce Banner. When anger or provoked, Bruce Banner transforms into an angry fuel and green-skinned monster known as the Hulk. Dr. Banner doesn’t like who he will become, what is broken, who is hurt, so he works hard to not be angry (which causes his decline to the Hulk ). In the 2012 Marvel film The Avengers, the time comes when the team needs a Blues banner to transform into the Hulk.
“Now may be a really good time for you to get mad,” Captain America says.
“That’s my secret, Cap,” Banner replies. “I’m always mad.”
Up until that moment, I thought Banner was a victim of his rage. He couldn’t control it. However, when I saw this conversation with Captain America, I realized that he knew how to self-regulate and he could manage his pain and anger.
You and I have a hulk within us that is released by pain. And that’s what I like (Hulk’s favorite word). But we can learn how to self-regulate. The Bible invokes this restraint. Self-control is mindful suppression (or control) about one’s impulses, emotions, thoughts, and actions. Impulse and emotions can rule. Self-control is therefore the virtue of keeping oneself in control of decision making.
Self-control is difficult when you are in high conflict with your spouse. Without it, the impulse will push you and say or do destructive things. But self-control is the fruit of the spirit (Galatians 5:22–23). A well-known theologian, NT Wright says that self-control is the only virtue we cannot forge. Even if someone is good at forging virtues, when they become dysregulated, they are not in charge of calm, peaceful, or themselves. Self-control is emotionally stable without relying on the environment or others.
Like all the virtues found in the fruits of the spirit, self-control helps us become our best self. Self-trolling does not whiten it to avoid harmful words and actions. It replaces dysregulation with peace. You feel secure in where you are and empowered to handle the moment you are in front of you. Such peace mobilizes you to move into other virtues like kindness, kindness, faithfulness, love.
“For this reason, we will make every effort to protect your faith with virtues and virtues, and to protect your knowledge with self-control, with unshakable self-control, with piety and brotherly love and brotherly love. Love is made with love” (2 Peter 1:5-7).
Self-regulate your emotions: Focus on the truth
Your best self – a peaceful, talented and loving part of you is already within you. When we self-control and emotionally self-regulate, we reunite who we are and who we are.
Well, here’s the problem. We have all heard good sermons about self-control, spiritual fruits, and loving our enemies. But do we actually do that, especially when our pain is dysregulated?
Below are four ways to help you self-regulate:
1. Be rooted in the truth.
The truth about God is that we are loved, forgiven, cherished and respected by our Father. So why do we respond not from this truth, but from pain? Our brains tend to notice negative rather than positive, and are twice as likely to hold negative messages than positive messages. Negative messages stick to the brain like velcro, while positive messages are like Teflon.
To fight this, center on God’s truth. God has given you self-control. God will not control you. Trust what he says about you. Accept the truth of the person you are in God. They then attempted to attack the sinful old nature driven by pain.
2. I refuse to lie.
Pain is produced by the lies we tell ourselves and lives on about our identity and emotional safety. We must be offensive with these lies. In my case (Ron), I have to kill anxiety and fear that I feel I am not enough. Nan must refuse to entertain the idea that she is loved, rejected and abandoned.
Mindfulness helps us actively reject lies. It involves taking the old captured self-lie, replacing them with truth, and the actions that come with them. In Philippians 4:8-9, Paul states this: Think about the good things (true, pure, nice), put them into action, and the God of Peace is with you.
When you lie, you start by calling out loud. Make a solid, dramatic statement. For example, speaking out loud is a more dramatic experience than internal thought: “I refuse to believe that I am unloved, undesired, and not sufficient.” Use repeat. Negative thoughts and beliefs are as sticky as the velcro in the brain. Bubbing them out loud several times a day will tell you that your brain means business. Let’s start from there.
(Do you need a little more help? Mindful marriage teaches a four-step process that is a more comprehensive change experience with lasting consequences.)
3. I accept the truth.
It’s not enough to stand up to lies or learn the truth. You need to accept the truth. Again, it’s a matter of attention (mindfulness). Turn your mind to the spirit (Romans 8:5–6). For example, “I am chosen, loved, and cherished.” The truth calms you down. It will center you in peace.
Accepting the truth will not dismiss your pain. Rather, it focuses on the truth that builds your mind, comfort, and confidence. Over time, along with practice, your sense of identity and safety will be strengthened, and your emotional stability will increase.
4. Make the privileged choice.
When we self-regulate and stabilize our feelings about identity and safety with truth, we can choose to respond differently. This gives us what we call an empowered choice.
In other words, once you settle in the words of truth, you can take a deep breath, drink the truth, and take the next correct step into action that corresponds to the truth, a more loving and reliable action.
Instead of responding responsibly (discover your reactive style here!), you don’t rely on them to listen, accept them, and take care of them, so you don’t rely on them to take care of them. You can choose to raise your partner by encouraging them.
You can choose to follow your pain and take care of yourself rather than ashamed of yourself.
Rather than protecting yourself through manipulation of control, you can seek a balance of mutual give-and-takes in a relationship.
Instead of retreating, absent, avoiding, numbing yourself with actions and substances, you can reliably connect and trusting relationships will make a safe port You will find it.
And it becomes easier and easier as every time you take action based on the truth, the story of your brain pain is rewritten with a new story. Over time, old stories decrease and new stories arise: new self.
Adapt from Mindful Marriage: Create the best relationships by understanding and managing yourself with Ron & Nan Deal (Terry & Sharon Hargrave, Worthy Books, 2025). To map reactive coping styles and learn the powerful process that drives you beyond unhealthy reactivity, get quick evaluations and pick up a copy of this highly approved book today.
